Itchy Nipples

I don't know about you, but lately, I've had the itchiest nipples ever.

Digging my nails under my shirt and under my bra, I can't say it's a pretty picture.

And itchy love muffins just make me think about Jon and Kate, and that just makes me sad. I hate to admit it, but here goes. I feel like my very close friends have just announced their impending death, and I find out that all that money they were bequeathing to me ... was just a big fat lie. Which just makes me want to puke, because of course they aren't close friends of mine. So, who am I to even say that? That's what I'd say to someone else telling me exactly what I've just told all of you. And, I would never even be friends with someone like Kate, because Kate is nasty and mean, and bossy, and I would have to react to her in a very passive-aggressive way, which would be exhausting. Not only that, but her hair freaks me right the heck out. What the hell? She looks like she's got a sizeable hedgehog nesting up there on top of her noggin.

So anyway ...

I have to wonder what makes me feel this way, and this strongly, about a family I don't really know from a hole in the wall. Because, in case you didn't know this, lots of people go through separation and divorce every single day of the year. And although it's sad and all that, I don't really give a fat rat's bottom half. Truly. I'm not trying to be crass and cold. Seriously, no one really cares, because it's so commonplace, and it's happening to people we don't even know.

So, although, rationally speaking, I know I don't know the Gosselins, and I know I shouldn't really feel anything "real" for their misfortune, I do, and, guys, it's driving me crazy. Which is probably why my billibongs are so itchy.

Or, maybe it's my bra. Maybe I am finally reacting to my Maidenform bra, which I bought many a moon ago. Or maybe it's the humidity of the season, and the sweat that drips down my voluptuous lady lumps (one of which is much larger than the other, but we won't go there) and pools at my bra bottom, only to irritate me no end.

No. It's Jon and Kate.

Their sadness, the choky sounds Kate made on The TV Monday night when she talked about the end of life as they knew it, the sucky face Jon made (he really needs to learn how to relax -- and, by the way, that was sarcasm) and those little cute kiddy faces as they bounced about on the screen. That's made me itchy, and all upheavaled, and stuff.

Or maybe it's that Kate actually spanked one of her kids, and that just upsets me no end, because you all know how much I love kids, and how I would never in a trillion years raise a finger to a child.

No, I did not slap both my children upside their heads more than once. And before you start calling Child Protective Services on me, just let me tell you: they deserved every single one of them.

And I can't think about it anymore, because now I have hives on top of my hives, and my kids are graduating this week, and I have to look awesome, because otherwise no one will recognize me and they might even get scared and run the other way, and that just won't do.