Merry Deep Hole of Depression, everyone! Oh, and a really adequate new year, too.


Oh. Hello there. Why, yes, I'm still alive. Thank you for asking.

At least, I think I am. Just a second.

Yup. I'm alive.

But just barely.

Lots has happened since I last wrote on Dec. 16, which is almost two Oh weeks ago, which is a lifetime in the world of the blog. And when I last wrote (on Dec. 16), I was getting all ready for a nice big Christmas holiday, which I so badly needed.

Firstly, I should have known I was totally jinxing myself by writing that. And secondly, I got what I asked for, and then some. Boy, did I ever.

And, before I go on, can I say that I've missed you, and hope you still remember me???

So, when I last wrote, I had one more exam to do, which was my lab exam. As well, I had one lift to accomplish before I could heave a heavy sigh and forget about body parts for at least a week. Well, as luck may have it (and by luck I mean the kind of luck that makes you want to twist your underwear in a knot and stuff them into your throat, because that would be so much better than the luck you just experienced), the lift I had to do was actually one of the most important parts of the entire semester. I can't really go into detail about it at the moment, because it's sort of hush-hush right now, but I was eventually told that day that I was no longer in the program, which made me bawl, fall to my knees, and wish I had one of those really sharp knives on hand (which would have actually been pretty useless, seeing as I was surrounded by paramedics). 

So, after driving around the city for awhile, tears running down my face and totally ruining my immaculate make-up job from that morning, I went home and eventually broke the news to Mr. Handsome, who then eventually broke the news to the children, who then refused to look at me for the remainder of the holiday. Just kidding. They started acknowledging my existence again yesterday evening, once I convincingly bribed them.

So, I may or may not be in the paramedic program. That's how the old proverbial cookie crumbles sometimes, as I well know from many of my previous failures experiences.

You can say that, since Dec. 17, I've been in a pretty deep and rather destructive funk that has brought me to my knees and shaken every single drop of happiness and hope that I had left inside me out of me and to the ground. The hole I was in was deep, dark and deadly, and there were a few days in which I was truly afraid I wasn't coming out of this one without a lot of help. However, I'm happy to say that I'm finally starting to come back to the world, and am beginning to want to get up in the morning again. It's still really hard, but at least I don't dread life any longer.

Me enjoying my Christmas holidays.

I have a few ideas/options up my sleeve, but haven't been able to make any real progress on anything because it seems everyone everywhere disappears off the face of the earth in-between Christmas and New Year. Go figure.

Other than that, the holidays were good. I just didn't notice it is all. We spent time with family, I spent time in tears, and hidden away in what was left of my soul, and we sang Christmas carols, and watched some great Christmas TV, and ate a lot of crap. Strangely enough, I don't think I've gained anything, probably due to the fact that my depression refused to allow me to move, let alone actually ingest food. The kids had a wonderful two weeks of nothing but playtime, sleeping in, visiting, and tearing each other's heads off. So, all in all, a great time.

Thanks for your patience, folks. I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. And just think: if I don't go back to school this month, my blog will be chock full of posts again, just like the old times, and the heavens will open, and the angels will sing, and all will be good with the world again.

Comments

Sunday said…
I am so sorry for your disappointment! I hate when life sucks like that! Out of the funk and into the new year, it has got to get better from here.
RiverPoet said…
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mary. We never know why - at least not in the short term - these things happen. Perhaps you were made for bigger and better things, but that won't comfort you at the moment. I've had some real challenges, too, during this holiday season. It has been a tough one. I don't know about everyone else, but I feel your pain.

I hope 2011 starts with progress and good news for you.

Peace - D
ReformingGeek said…
Sheesh! That's tough. NOBODY needs a big slap like that right before Christmas. ;-(

I missed you. I'm glad you posted!

**HUGS**
Anonymous said…
I just found a card someone wrote to me when I was "let go" from CLA many many moons ago. IT turned up while I was a in mad cleaning frenzy today.

The card started... Life's a bitch. But you're not. In fact you are stellar!" Seriously.
Take note and apply.

Things will get better. You'll find something of tremendous interest that will actually pay you.
But glad to hear you're starting to not be comatose.
Terri
meleah rebeccah said…
Oh no. *jaw on the floor* I am SO sorry. I can totally sympathize with your depression after getting shitty news like that.

Sometimes, life just sucks.

Im glad your slowly coming around to the land of the living - but you just take all the time you need.

xoxo
Tina said…
sorry to hear of your sad news :(
hope 2011 can be a better one for you.

and yes 2 weeks seems like 2 months in blogging land doesent it lol !

Tina
Joanie said…
Oh that sucks! So sorry. I like the comment from Anonymous.

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