Life is so damn frustrating and utterly confusing, I don't even know what I'm talking about. Which is par for the course, actually. See? I told you.
I tried sending my friend this photo of a framed elephant penis the other day, and it wouldn't work. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?! Even more frustrating than you can imagine. I must have spent three hours trying to email it to her, but no! the internet would not co-operate. So, here you go, Slut. From me to you:
Okay, so I didn't really spend three hours trying to send a stupid elephant penis photo to my friend. Although I totally could have. But that wouldn't be such a good thing, really, and even I realize this. It would probably mean I truly have no life whatsoever, and should be committed. Which is probably true anyway, but I digress.
I've also recently found it extremely frustrating that I went out and bought a Fiskars weeder, just like this one:
and I even used it the same day instead of throwing it in the back of the garage like I normally do with everything, and I was really really happy with it, because it requires no bending whatsoever to pull those damn dandelions out of the lawn, and the less work the better is my motto. I spent probably a good hour or more pulling the weeds out of the grass. We obviously had quite a few because we don't use pesticides. And we hate anyone who does. We're neighbourly like that.
I was really happy with my Fiskars weeding machine, until I woke up Monday morning and saw this:
I just weeded the freaking lawn, and eleventy hundred dandelions bust out the very next day!?
Obviously yet another conspiracy looms, people.
And, not only that, but I went to the Fiskars site, and found this comment:
"This is the best weeder I've ever used and it is fun to use. The weed ejector reminds me of my 29 years as a police officer. It sounds just like racking a round into a pump shotgun. I believe I bought my Uproot at the True Value in Prescott, AZ or the Home Depot, but neither carries it now or your other extended weeder. Can I buy them on line?"
Is it just me, or does this person sound a little -- umm, I don't know --- PSYCHOTIC??!??! Would that be the correct term? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but who the hell equates a lawn weeder with a pump shotgun?! No one, that's who. Be wary, Arizonians. Heads up.
And, on another final note of frustration, my friend Slut's pool exploded on the weekend, sending hundreds of gallons of chlorinated water into her neighbour's backyard shed, forcing Slut to run around in her nightie emptying her neighbour's shed, and screaming things like, "Oh my god!" and "Wow, that's a helluva lot of water!" and "Crap, now I have no pool for the summer. FML."
Because I am a good friend, I didn't laugh quite as hard as I normally would have when I heard this story. I mean, Slut lives for her pool in the summer. Especially since she is
too cheap not willing to invest in air-conditioning for her stifling house, so she spends the very humid and hot summer in her pool. Except now, that obviously won't be happening, which makes Slut very very sad. And, which, in turn, makes me very very sad, except that every time I think of the pool exploding and Slut running amok with her nightie on, I laugh and laugh and laugh. Someday you too will laugh about this, my silly little friend.
Next post: New York City, unless I think of yet another inane and useless post topic first. Which is much more likely.
Update: I decided to email Fiskars and complain about the lack of apparent ability their supposed weeder has to get rid of my dandelions. If they're as good as they claim to be, I expect a boxful of lawn appliances any day now. I'll let you know what happens.