Testing Slut's Devotion To Loit

My Saturdays are often spent prostrate on a couch, ignoring my children and husband, reading the paper and drinking coffee, or running errands, or just picking my nose and wiping it on an unsuspecting child.

This Saturday, that all goes down the toilet. Because this Saturday, folks, this babe is going to be b-u-s-y. Yup, that's right. No rest for the wicked, they say (whatever that means).

Saturday is the annual fundraiser Slut and I run for Camp Quality, which is a camp for kids with cancer. This year, Slut has pretty much run the show all by her lonesome, mostly because I am very lazy, but also because I've not been well. We've been doing this fundraiser for six years now (I think), although it feels more like sixty, and it's probably our last year, because we're both tired of doing it, and it's time for some new blood.

My kids have attended this camp for about seven years now. Slut's son attended it for many years as well, and Slut is actually the person who coerced convinced me to send my kids so I could have a week of slinging back margaritas and eating Beefaroni. It's a great camp, and Slut and I do this fundraiser every year as a way of saying thank you, and of helping a lot of sick children battling cancer have a week of joy in their hard lives.

Anyway, this Saturday is the day for the fundraiser, which happens to be a bowlathon, and lots of people come and bowl and bring us lots of money which we spend on ourselves which all goes to running the camp. Slut and I spend time getting things organized, making sure everything runs smoothly throughout the day, and that any problems get ironed out immediately. In the past, we've raised over $32,000 in one day. Not too shabby for two middle-aged wannabes, eh?

I've been feeling rather terrible this year, because, as I stated above, Slut has pretty much put this year's bowlathon together all on her own. She is to be commended. If I had a badge, I'd give it to her, and it would say, "Good job, Curly Top Tay Tay."

So, as I said, I've been feeling just awful, and mostly because I have not been able to get myself in gear to help her out. It's all I have in me to get out of bed some days. Some days are better than others, but it hasn't been easy. Which doesn't make it any better. I'm just trying to garner as much sympathy as possible, which is how I roll.

Slut has been an island throughout this sojourn, and it breaks my little heart.

All this to say that I planned on being there 172 per cent on Saturday, to prove to Slut that my aim is true, my love and devotion is strong and deep, and I'm not letting her down anymore.

That is, until I got an email telling me I had been accepted into the cattle corral of government testing, and they want me to come and complete more second language testing (read 'Let us test you and spend lots and lots of money to see if you can write and read French better than you can English because you live too close to the province of Quebec, which means you are going to be treated entirely unfairly and screwed royally').

I read the entire email, and finally get to the part where it tells me where and when, and I gasp in horror, because it takes place the same day as the bowlathon, and now I'm about to shit my pants.

After I get over the initial shock, I start fretting over Slut's reaction when I tell her. She's going to hate me, I think, and this will be the end of our friendship. Although, now that she's already wanting me dead because of Tuesday's post, I guess it really didn't matter in the first place. Of course, I didn't know that at the time, because I'm not a psychic.

Slut was okay with it all, guys, so it's all good.

I told her the news while we were shopping at Costco, and after she throttled me with an industrial mallet and a lengthy piece of twine, coupled with a gargantuan plastic sack of unripe bananas, she then vowed she would never invite me to her momma's cottage again (although she tends to forget that her momma loves me more, and she says that a lot about the cottage, so it's all just hot air now, in one ear and out the other, as they say), and then we bought lots of Rockets and candy pacifiers and chips, and we're the best of friends again.

Life's like that for Slut and me.

The real test will come Saturday, guys, and I'll have to let you all know how it flies when noon comes along and I'm all, "Okay, bye Slut! I'm off to do my useless French language testing now!", while she has to contend with the second shift of bowlers who will start coming in shortly after I exit to sip margaritas on a terrace.

By then, Slut will be exhausted, and she won't have me to hang with, so she'll be really bitchy as well (yes, much more than usual), and all the bowlers will have their kids with them, and they'll all want a prize, and a loot bag, and a t-shirt, and it still won't be enough, and Slut will have to deal with them all alone, instead of having me there to remind them all to stuff it up the wazoo and just be happy they have opposable thumbs and can bowl, goddammit!

I'll let you all know how it goes, because I'm sure I'll get a minute-by-minute update from Slut, replete with expletives. Oh, she'll ask about how my French testing went, but I know what she's really saying. And I can't repeat it here because this blog is rated G.


Unknown said…
So sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well and hope that whatever it is, will be over soon.

Poor slut, to have to be all by her lonesome at the fundraiser. But how amazing that you two are doing this annual fundraiser and raising that much money for cancer kids!! Kudos to you both!!!

Not sure what kind of language test thingie you're having to take this Saturday but hope it turns out well too.
mo.stoneskin said…
Crumbs I would fail a language test in spectactular fashion!

Did you post your address? I was gonna mention the fact you wipe your nose on the kids to the authorities...

Good luck on your testing.
Debz said…
Wiping your snot on an unsuspecting child is a right of passage here.

Why do you HAVE TO take the test? I'm confused (what else is new). Can't you blow it off and help slut?
Deb said…
oh man... just reading the word fundraiser makes me cringe. now listen, you have a 5 year history of actually participating, so i think you can get away with this, this once. you may want to craft some sort of horrible story centered around this supposed french testing of yours to garner a little sympathy. do not, under any circumstance, let it slip that you were anything less than miserable the whole time.

in all seriousness, you ladies rock. as a fundraising burnout, i know the thankless work involved!
ShanaM said…
Wiping your nose on your kids?
Reminds me of a story: When I had to sand the wall beside Marissa's bed where she had been wiping her snot for years and it was so hard, it wouldn't wipe off.

Good luck on Saturday
Anonymous said…
I lurve bowling! So much fun!

And I'm sorry that your physical woes keep rearing their ugly heads! Pain sucks hard!
*Akilah Sakai* said…
The fundraiser sounds great! Applause to you guys for organizing it for those kids. That's really fantastic.

Hope you're feeling springier today and have fun testing! I know it'll be a wild time. I'll eat your Beefaroni while you're partying it up with that test. Seriously, I think they drug Beefaroni. I can't get enough of it.
Anonymous said…
Hey good for you - best of luck at the bowlathon and kudos for participating in the fundraiser. :)
Hmmm. Let us know how it goes. But be very proud of your fundraising efforts. I am an epic fundraiser fail.
Added you to my blogroll list, back often.
Slut sounds like the best friend a person can hope to find.

I am sorry you haven't been feeling great. Let us know about the testing!
Yes, do report. I'm sorry for your illness. Hard to operate with such limitations. You make me laugh, Mary. And best of luck to Slut.
lisahgolden said…
I'm dying to know what she beat you with this morning as revenge.

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