Holy Mackerel

Holy crap, guys! Our various plumbing issues have gone down the tube, pun TOTALLY intended.  Umm, I guess that didn't really make sense the way I wanted it to, and all because I was so hell-bent on using silly puns to make you all giggle, or at least chortle a bit. I am so mature. So, what I meant was that our plumbing has been fixed, and we can once again wash our dirty laundry, bathe, and not worry about slime-infested water pouring all over our basement floor every time. Awesome. As I write this, I am sitting in a warm puddle of extreme nausea, brought on by I-don't-know-what-but-I-want-to-maim-it. I even took anti-emetics, and all they did was make me so drowsy I can barel Hey! I'm back! Nope, didn't nap. Just kind of fell over in a complete stupor, drool sliding out of the corner of my forever-open mouth...I still feel like crap, but no one really cares, so I'll stop talking about it. Instead, I'll just curl up in the fetal position and think about how...

My hormonal ebbs and flows are slowly, but surely, killing me. If it's not a major migraine that lasts for what seems half a century, then it's uterine cramps that remind me why I will never have another child of my own, and when it's not one of those two things, my emotions are screaming inside my head and it feels like my brain is eating itself. And, what makes all this even better is that -- YES!! -- my perimenopausal decrepitude might last 10 years! And then I will shrivel up and die. Awesome. Here's but one example of my utter irrationality during this time in my life. I am sure Mr. Handsome could throw out about 3.478 more examples just off the top of his pointy head, but he's still busy trying to rip the duct tape off his mouth. We were supposed to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I got all excited because we don't just go to the movies every day or anything, and I was also really looking forward to buying popcorn and putting loads of cholesterol-...

So, Tuesday was the fourth anniversary of my dad's passing, and I (quite appropriately) spent the bulk of it lying on the couch, drugged with codeine and generic Extra Strength Tylenol, another migraine creating havoc in my tiny little head. Ditto for Wednesday and Thursday, hence no posts. I'd apologize, but it hurts too much. I'm no doctor, but I am almost positive that these headaches are hormonally-induced, for the most part, seeing as I'm perimenopausal, and having pretty much every goddammed perimenopausal symptom in the Big Book of Perimenopause. Look up "perimenopause" in the dictionary, and you'll see my ugly mug, no doubt. The wonderful thing with these headaches is that (1) they are fierce, and (2) no amount of intense drug therapy seems to minimize the pain in the least. So, I have to be patient and wait it out, which can sometimes mean days. It also, of course, means days of feeling entirely non-productive, as opposed to only mostly non-p...

Perimenopause. That's what this post is about. So, if you're a guy, and you want to skip it, I don't blame you. Go here instead, for a great manly post about male genitalia that's sure to tickle your fancy, put a smile on your face and a banana in your pocket. I had to look up "biweekly" because, ever since I was an innocent young girl, I would always confuse "biweekly" with "semi-weekly" and with "bimonthly". You know, they more or less mean the same thing, depending on who you talk to. So, I decided to only speak to people who were in total agreement with me about "biweekly" meaning "every two weeks", not "twice a week", because, in the context of this post, twice a week would be waaay too much for me to handle. So, now that we've decidedly defined our terms, let's move on, shall we? Let's just say I have been, for the past four to five months (although it seems more like three lifet...

I've been out of commission now for two days, and I hate myself for it. Lying on the couch or in bed, clutching my lower abdomen and writhing in pain, nauseated. Ahh, I'm such a sight to behold. It's a wonder Mr. Handsome will still even look at me or want to hold my hand or give me a kiss. Last night and all day today, in addition to the gut pain, I've had a migraine that is finally starting to lift, but is still threatening to return, so it will be more medication tonight. Thank the lord for codeine. I've never been a healthy person, but the past seven months have been outrageously disgustingly overridden with illness, both physical and mental. Perimenopause has been anything but easy for me. Coupled with abdominal issues I am dealing with, and arthritis that seems to be worsening as I get older, it's no wonder I don't feel like getting out of bed most days. I've been feeling so unwell that I've had to put my career in real estate on hold, which h...

Perimenopause. (Warning: If you are not able and willing to read about bodily fluids, and other such nonsense, stop here. That means most men. Don't say I didn't warn you. Mind you, there isn't MUCH mention of bodily fluids, but probably enough to make you squirm and twitch.) Definition: The period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs, such as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity. What they forget to mention: the sudden and sometimes constant urge to spew vulgar animal sounds at everyone around you the inexplicable tearing of the hair, your own or anyone's who is within a 200-mile radius of you the wonderful unexpected gush of menstrual fluid, when you were sure your period was over and done with moments of overwhelming emotion, whereby a commercial of a motorcycle-riding grandma wearing diapers makes you sob for 2 hours and very angry, simultaneously the many points in time when indecision takes over for even the most minute i...