Holy Mackerel

Poor Gryphon is back in oven mitts socks again. His little paws are all itchy and raw, and he keeps licking them, which only makes them worse, but he doesn't know that because he's a dog. Don't judge. So, last night, he slept with socks on his feet, but I didn't take a picture of it so that I could post it here (because if this site isn't for me to make fun of the people and things I love, than I don't know what it's for) because I was laid up in bed AGAIN with a bad headache, so instead, I'll give you an idea of what I mean by posting an older picture from last year, when Gryphon wore oven mitts. And today, I'm off to the pet store to buy him his very own cone, so that we can make even more fun of him. Yes, my life is THAT boring. Don't be jealous. Meanwhile... * How Mr. Handsome does laundry , and causes me grief. * Shopper of the Year Award goes to Mr. Handsome . Don't be jealous. Now that I look at it, it seems that this en...

So Dee has left for camp for a week. And Em leaves Monday for a week to yet another camp. Yes, again. Clearly, I try my hardest to see the kids as little as possible during the summer. This means I have almost 5 days of absolute freedom, whereby I can lie in my own sloth, pig out on nothing but Nanaimo bars, Cheetos, and margaritas. I might shower, but chances are better that I won't. In other news, * You should read this if you haven't already, because I'm actually not complaining for a change. I know! * Y'all, I get Mother of the Year Award, and it is well deserved. Word.

My brain remains cluttered with chemical equations and laws, and I'm beginning to look like the frazzled professor we've all had at one time or another in university: unbrushed hair, no shower for three-plus days, and no change of clothing. Here I wait for my chemistry exam that seems to have disappeared into the ether (little chemistry joke there), somewhere between here and Toronto, hoping the time comes sooner rather than later to write the damn thing so I can finally begin to forget all those useless things I've been jamming into my poor little brain over the last five weeks, and refill it with things that actually make sense, like what flavour ice cream is best for a dinner alone, or how does one get away with only brushing one's teeth once a week but look like one brushes three times a day. Those things. Spending the weekend at home alone with Dee, who's had a stomach bug that just likes it a bit too much inside his intestines to leave (Mr. Handsome and Em...

I've been outside maybe twice this entire week, spending the majority of my time holed up in the dining room, bedroom, or living room, with my laptop, chemistry books, and tissues for all the tears I'm shedding. Chemistry is not easy, guys. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. Here I thought, 'How hard can a few chemical compounds and some letters and numbers be?! For god's sake, I've got a university degree.' If you asked me now, my thoughts would more simulate the following: '*&$HYH#^TD)(@@":#&$^%(!!!!!!' And now, because I have to pass this chemistry course in order to get into the paramedic program this fall, Mr. Handsome has taken it upon himself to study it so that he can help me with all the mathematical equations and chemical blahblahblah because he is the Dr. Spock in our family, whereas I am  more the Kate Gosselin. Enough said. I would like to say that I now have full proof that Mr. Handsome does indeed love me, becaus...

I'm having a good hair day today, guys! And I'm also tearing the same hair out of my head as I try and try and try again to get through page by page of this Grade 12 chemistry course that is whipping my butt sentence by difficult sentence. Help . Meanwhile, * Feeling really old, and other fun crap * Garbage. Sarah Jessica Parker, horse nostrils, and dead mice. Oh, and earthquakes. Story of my life. That would be about it. I'm too tired to even attempt to write anything witty or rude.

We went go-karting and mini-golfing Friday night, as part of a family fun event put on by Camp Quality. And it was lots of fun, and laughter, and all that good stuff. We even had hot dogs, chips and pop for dinner, which made the kids very happy. I wish I had brought my camera (when will I learn?) because there were some awesome moments to capture, like when Slut put on her go-karting helmet and her face got smushed, or when Dee was speeding around the track, or when one of the kids got stuck in a cart with his legs sticking up in the air (well, it wasn't really funny because he's blind and has cancer, but then, if you can't laugh at that, what can you laugh at?). I also missed a really nice sunset. Luckily, Em at least took a photo of Slut with her ill-fitted helmet, but she couldn't upload it to my computer, so I'm screwed. You're welcome. Meanwhile ... * Whereby I find out that using fake tan lotion is less than I expected, and yet again, so much more...

Oh, happy day! Because this means this: because ... The neighbours have left!! The neighbours have left!! Although Mr. Handsome has warned me that the new neighbours, who have not yet moved in, may be even worse than these guys, so I'm going to be smart for a change, keep my mouth shut, and silently pray to the gods above for a little luck this time.  Meanwhile ... * Check out this post for all the information you'd ever ever want about how utterly boring my life really is * And then go here to find out about absolutely nothing at all.

I've been a bad blogger. I don't comment on the comments, I don't visit other blogs, and I don't even update my own blog as often as I'd like. I'd like to take this amazing opportunity to apologize for all of the above. You guys mean more to me than just about anything, including that nice, really soft toilet paper that is kind to my butt, and really cold apple juice. It's just that I've been busy. Really busy. I don't know how people do this blog thing. Honestly. Where do you all get the time to write, read everyone's blogs, comment, etc.? I've been studying biology every minute of every day lately, trying to get an entire year's course done in two weeks. Crazy, but true. And then I have chemistry to do, which is scaring me something fierce, but truck on I will. Add to that the fact that Em walked into a wall early this week and broke her toe, resulting in a visit to the emergency department at the children's hospital, where she w...

Still no reply from Fiskars, guys. I'm getting really angry now. Pulling out the big guns, as they say. Methinks they aren't taking me seriously, which is just ridiculous. So, I'm in the midst of putting together another email to Nikki at Fiskars Headquarters, and this time, I'm not mincing words. In the meantime: * Waiting for my garden boy, and almost having a heart attack when I see a Harry's Hedges truck across the stress. * Still waiting for my garden boy, and getting kind of tired of it all really, which actually means I'm pretty much just a pathetic excuse for a person who has no life and would rather live in her wild and wily imagination than actually face reality, whatever that is. I also spent Saturday with Adonis and Wood Nymph, who, along with Dee, went to my parents' gravesite and planted flowers to make things look all pretty and presentable, because if we're about anything, we're all about image. I didn't take any pictur...

The neighbours are sure to hate us now, if they didn't already. Dee has a cap gun and is now shooting up the neighbourhood. Awesome. I clearly win the Mother of the Year Award because I suggested he buy the cap gun in the first place. He hasn't been arrested yet, but one teenager walking by just looked at him, his face getting pale, and said, "Dude..." Like I said: Awesome. I took my time getting back into the blog swing of things, and rightly so. Travelling literally around the world is hard work, even when you're sitting on your ass for most of it . Elephant penises and exploding pools . If you need more than that, you need help. Next week: Whereby Mary goes to New York City, gets sick, and almost gets to talk to Kelsey Grammer.

It would be just my luck to have our European getaway cancelled because of some silly volcanic eruption and a bit of spewing ash . When does it end, people? The conspiracy widens. I mean, I've been growing my leg hairs out for the past two months (well, more) just so that I fit in with all the Europeans. And now we may not even be going. All that effort for nothing. Typical. Is it just me, or do you find people often make a really big deal out of nothing? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sheesh. On another note, I really scared myself on Friday. No, not because I looked in the mirror. I decided to finally visit this relatively new Chinese grocery market in town because (a) I was curious and (b) I was hoping to find some cheap eats to take home for dinner, and hopefully something that would require simple unwrapping and throwing onto a plate. I'm nothing if I'm not classy. I call it Freedom Fridays. Yes, you can borrow my idea if you must. Just give me the appropriate c...

I'm trying something new out here that may or may not kill me or you, or may instead help me conquer the world, which is totally my goal in writing this blog. Obviously. I am actually stealing this idea from a few places, so I'm not even pretending that it's my own original idea. Not only that, but this way, I also hold no responsibility for it if it ends up being a totally stupid idea worthy of nothing but shame. Ahem. What's the idea? I hear you all asking me, impatience and utter frustration in your voices. And to that, I say, "Hold your ponies, people! Remember, patience is a virtue, whatever that means. Didn't you ever listen to what your momma told you? Me neither..." Anyway, the idea. Actually, before I tell you, I'd just like to say that the fact it's taken me this long to actually come up with this idea is a testament to how utterly stupid and useless I really am with anything and everything to do with blogging, social netw...