Holy Mackerel

So, my brother Adonis called me today, telling me I wasn't updating my blog enough and he felt he was losing touch with me, his only sister whom he loves more than life itself, and I then wanted to say well then why don't you pick up the damn phone and call me, but I didn't say that because it would sound kind of rude, and I am never rude to people, animals or even rocks, because rocks have rights too, guys. I'm not really sure what Adonis meant by his pronouncement that I don't update my blog enough. I mean, I know I don't update it as often as I used to (before school happened, and since my life as I once knew it fell apart and I died and went to hell), but still, I can't just be expected to update this thing every single day, can I? Just in the hopes that someone is actually reading it, and actually cares what they're reading? As it stands, half of what I say here is pure bullshit anyway, so there you go. However, I suppose I should be quite honou...

Things are going oh so smoothly here on the ranch. NOT. So far this week (and it's only Wednesday, I think), we have one sick boy at home with what seems to be a bad virus that has so far attacked his abdominal region, his throat, his chest, and his joy for life. Dee is sad and sick. We also have a sick Em, who isn't quite as ill as Dee because she is still able to go to school and get things done, but who has been sick with a cough/cold thing since about Christmas time. Apparently there's a "thing" going around these here parts, creating havoc with waay too many people, most of whom seem to be in my house. I have as yet to get sick, which is, in itself, a true miracle because I am usually the one who gets sick approximately thrice a week. I've been feeling a bit under the weather, but haven't really succumbed to any awful crap. Yet. Although, now that I think of it, I am on antibiotics for a sinus infection, but I can't say it's awful,...

In our house, the laundry system has gone through a medley of reformations and regurgitations, only to once again become the antithesis of a system in the end. This has gone on from the moment Mr. Handsome and I moved in together in our other lifetime, aka B.C. (Before Children). Little did I know -- being the rose-coloured glasses, totally-too-optimistic-kind-of-person (some people would call that crazy ) -- that once the spawn came along, the laundry situation would get just that much worse. I actually love doing laundry, although you wouldn't know it by looking at the results. Because, although my intentions are pure, my results are anything but. Please click on images to make larger. I said CLICK, NOT stroke. However, by the time I'm finished sorting all the greens and blues from the reds, and the whites from the blacks and purples, I decide it's time to put the chicken carcass on to boil, or maybe it's time to stare at the pile of clothing in my bedroom ...

So Dee has left for camp for a week. And Em leaves Monday for a week to yet another camp. Yes, again. Clearly, I try my hardest to see the kids as little as possible during the summer. This means I have almost 5 days of absolute freedom, whereby I can lie in my own sloth, pig out on nothing but Nanaimo bars, Cheetos, and margaritas. I might shower, but chances are better that I won't. In other news, * You should read this if you haven't already, because I'm actually not complaining for a change. I know! * Y'all, I get Mother of the Year Award, and it is well deserved. Word.

This is why I win Mother of the Year Award. I couldn't upload the images, so you'll have to link to them. I'm extremely sorry for this, but it's par for the course when you put me in a room with a computer. So, just click on the following links and you'll get the picture. Pun totally intended, because I've got nothing else for y'all today, folks. I'm spent, as in, my brain has fallen apart and I am now walking around zombie-like and full of anger because just as I finished the last of my requirements on Thursday to get into the paramedic program,  I got the Period From Hell, and a wicked eye infection, which has now spread to both eyes and requires me to put antibiotic drops into my eyeballs thrice per day, and squint in pain the rest of the time. I also feel all left out because, once again, I'm not going to BlogHer, and I kind of wanted to go this year, mostly because it's in New York City, but I knew right from the start that I wouldn...

I am surrounded by love. It is wrapped around me like a warm blanket, no gaps to let in the cold. I had this realization just now, as I ambled back down the stairs to get the phone and a bag of cookies before returning to bed. Don't judge. The contentment I felt thinking this was as close as I think I've ever been to the purity, the clarity of it all. Mr. Handsome and Em are coming home late today, after three days in Toronto visiting family, leaving Dee and I here to fend for ourselves. Dee's been battling a stomach virus for awhile, but is on the mend, although he wasn't well enough to take the trip to Toronto, so he had to stick it out with me instead. Although he is 12 years old and no longer a little child (as he reminds me almost daily), he is still my little boy, and always will be. The weekend home with him was decidedly uneventful, with him slowly returning to eating food other than rice, applesauce, broth, and yogurt. Moody, yes. But nothing out of the ...

My brain remains cluttered with chemical equations and laws, and I'm beginning to look like the frazzled professor we've all had at one time or another in university: unbrushed hair, no shower for three-plus days, and no change of clothing. Here I wait for my chemistry exam that seems to have disappeared into the ether (little chemistry joke there), somewhere between here and Toronto, hoping the time comes sooner rather than later to write the damn thing so I can finally begin to forget all those useless things I've been jamming into my poor little brain over the last five weeks, and refill it with things that actually make sense, like what flavour ice cream is best for a dinner alone, or how does one get away with only brushing one's teeth once a week but look like one brushes three times a day. Those things. Spending the weekend at home alone with Dee, who's had a stomach bug that just likes it a bit too much inside his intestines to leave (Mr. Handsome and Em...

Okay, I give up. Here I was, innocently and diligently (I might add) studying away, when suddenly my very keen nose sensed a not-so-wonderful smell. Not quite old garbage, not quite rotting flesh, more like a little of both. Thanks to my amazing sense of smell, I was the only one in the entire house who noticed this smell. But "notice" isn't the word, folks. This smell, over the day, overwhelmed me. Imagine trying to study Grade 12 Chemistry while sitting in the middle of a fetid dumpsite. Yeah, that was me. By nightfall, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I went on the hunt. My nose told me the smell wasn't coming from the garbage in the kitchen. I quickly narrowed down the area to the stove. Upon further investigation, I found this in the drawer at the bottom of the stove. I came very close to throwing up. Then I told Mr. Handsome he had a job to do, and I went to bed. Got up the next morning, happy the stench was removed, and sat down to get back to my ...

Bleccch. That about sums it up. It seems that studying biology 10 hours a day, in between driving Em to and from school, making dinner, and doing laundry is more than I can handle, especially when it's coupled with a migraine that just won't go away. Kind of like a spouse. Or a needy poodle. Same difference. This post should have been out yesterday, but I couldn't do it. I spent the morning driving Em to school, drinking coffee and studying. And then by noon I had to take too many Tylenol and a codeine to try and block out the intense head pain that was knocking me to the ground, and I gave up studying and went to lie down in bed. Then I had to get up again and get Em from school. By that point, I had decided I wasn't making dinner because the only thing I'd be able to manage was making it back up to my bed and crawling under the covers, which I did, and there I stayed until 8 p.m., only waking up to turn over and cover my head up again. I then came downstairs...

Today's post is about nothing, like a Seinfeld episode, but without the millions of dollars attached to it. Or the laughter. I have a headache that I've now had on and off for a week. I'm thinking brain tumour. It's probably just my sinuses, but I like living big. If that can be called living big. Does "living big" even mean anything? I have no idea. Moving on... Em has been in a leg cast for a week now (she walked into a wall last Tuesday and broke a toe -- a spiral fracture -- right in two), and she's getting pretty good at hobbling about on crutches. We got back to the hospital in a week-and-a-half for a check-up, whereby they'll probably tell her she needs to stay in the cast for another three months because she keeps standing on the side of that foot, and I keep telling her it's going to hurt the healing process, but does she ever listen? No, she doesn't. Anyway, I feel for the kid (although it doesn't really sound much like it, do...

You'll all be very happy to know that there is no mention in today's post of my awesome neighbours! Can I hear a hooray for small miracles?! Amen. And you're welcome. Mr. Handsome went away for the weekend, leaving me and the kids alone.all.weekend.long. Yeah. Guess I could end the post right here. But I won't. Mr. Handsome gets invited to this "all men's" weekend every spring at his sister's husband's cottage up in the Muskokas , and of course, he goes. Very thoughtless of him, if you ask me. And gender biased. Anyway, it sounds extremely boring because I asked him what exactly all the guys do up there for three days, and he looked at me like I was the stupid one, and said, "Poker." So I said, "You play poker for three days straight?" and he said, "Yeah," as if it was a totally normal and not obscene and very boring thing to do. And then he added, as an afterthought, "Well, we intersperse it with some x-box,...

Mr. Handsome and I tried real hard to plan our children, but it was obviously all for naught. "Obviously", because both times, I became pregnant while still on the Pill. Sort of. Anyway, I wanted to have spring or summer babies, but no, I ended up with two winter babes. Not only that, but they were born two years and 51 weeks apart. Which, in the grand scheme of things, means nothing at all. But in reality, it means that we are barely over celebrating Dee's birthday when Em's special day rolls around, and if you know us, you know that just rolling out of bed and finding a clean pair of underwear and matching socks takes gargantuan effort. So, you can just imagine the stress and manic preparation involved in doing two birthdays in the span of one week. Having said all that, today is Em's birthday. I shake my head as I type this because it's still so very hard for me to believe that my little girl turns 15 today. FIFTEEN. And that means that I'm OLD. The...

Conversation with Dee while on our way to Toronto in the car: Dee: Mommy, are you a virgin? Me: Wwwwwhhat?? Dee: Are.You.A.Virgin? Me: *silence* Uhhh, wellllll, what do you think that means? Meanwhile, in the back seat, Em is screaming, "This is TOTALLY inappropriate!!" Dee: If you're a virgin, it means you don't have a mate. Me: Well then, I guess I'm not a virgin. Right? Dee: Yeah. (pause) I know Em is though. Em: INAPPROPRIATE! Another pause, then ... Dee: You know what? I LOVE that show Franny's Pants !

So, we're heading to Toronto for the weekend, sans Mr. Handsome, which some would say is a vacation in itself. Which is to say, Mr. Handsome *I* would say that. Not really. Maybe. We haven't seen Mr. Handsome's sister's baby "Oscar" in a few months, and that was when they came up here at Christmas time, which means we hardly saw them at all because we were all sick with  The Plague of Disney World and were, as a result, quarantined by the laws of Mr. Handsome's family. Also, Mr. Handsome's sister wanted us to come down to Toronto and babysit visit, so we're going. She's also pregnant AGAIN, so this is my chance to make fun of her ever-expanding body. I'm taking Em, Dee and Gryphon with me (why yes, as a matter of fact, I do like horrific car rides), and we're leaving Friday morning and coming back Monday afternoon, which means that, not only am I missing Valentine's Day with Mr. Handsome, but also that I'm posting my usua...