Holy Mackerel

My hormonal ebbs and flows are slowly, but surely, killing me. If it's not a major migraine that lasts for what seems half a century, then it's uterine cramps that remind me why I will never have another child of my own, and when it's not one of those two things, my emotions are screaming inside my head and it feels like my brain is eating itself. And, what makes all this even better is that -- YES!! -- my perimenopausal decrepitude might last 10 years! And then I will shrivel up and die. Awesome. Here's but one example of my utter irrationality during this time in my life. I am sure Mr. Handsome could throw out about 3.478 more examples just off the top of his pointy head, but he's still busy trying to rip the duct tape off his mouth. We were supposed to go to the movies on Wednesday, and I got all excited because we don't just go to the movies every day or anything, and I was also really looking forward to buying popcorn and putting loads of cholesterol-...

Why, yes. Yes I am still alive. I think. Just a second, let me check. Yup. Still here. Although I have no feeling left from the neck up. It's been yet another whirlwind of a week (or whirledwind, as some people say, which actually drives me crazy, but I'll just leave that alone for today), but I still haven't written my last exam (it's somewhere in-between Toronto and here, which probably means it's in Tokyo, knowing our postal service). I've been studying chemical equations and gas reactions, and meanwhile, Dee has been sick as a puppy with a stomach thing that makes him pass out everytime he goes to the bathroom, which makes this mommy very very sad. I'm hoping he's feeling better soon, because this has been going on since last Thursday, and there are no signs of it letting up. And I have a raging bladder infection that makes the normal act of peeing seem like you are actually putting your urethra through a meat grinder. Over and over and over aga...

I'm remembering to breathe, blink and swallow. Only one more hurdle, and I'm done. Until September, when it all begins again. A whirlwind of a week this past one was. I had ambulance driver training, the ambulance driving license test, my biology exam, studying for my chemistry exam (which is happening this week), and a full weekend of First Aid and CPR training. I can barely mouth the words, "Thank god that's over." I was so tired Sunday morning, when I had to once again get up early to make it to my first aid/CPR class, that I decided not to shower. My "buddy" in the class (we were paired up) was going to love me. So, in a pre-emptive state of mind, I decided I should use some body spray throughout to ensure no strange and telling smells would waft. So I sprayed under my shirt, just enough to give the sense that I was as fresh as a wilting tulip. And then, before I knew what I was doing, I opened up the elasticized waist of my pants, and sprayed t...

I have no idea where to even start, and have no idea where it's going to end! Which, I suppose, is the fun of it all, but it still gives me the heeby jeebies, and ends with my house looking like a disaster zone x 32,400. So, I have so far this week managed to get my ambulance driver's license despite having knocked the side mirror into a sign, driven with the hood unhitched, and driven over the speed limit (a story for yet another day!) and written my biology exam (with a raging migraine, I might add). At the same time, I've also succeeded at succumbing to some kind of nasty something that is invading my bladder and turning it inside out and upside down, while stabbing it repeatedly with rusty nails. What I'm trying to say is, I think I have a bladder infection, but I haven't had time to go to the lab to leave a pee sample, and so instead, I sit on the toilet about 11,000 times a day, writhing in pain as my urethra spasms unendingly, and I pretend I'm anywher...

I was sort of kind of preparing a really good post for today, full of wisdom, some extremely potent humour, and a few amazing drawings that would make you all sigh in complete and utter awe. Instead, I've got this. Also known as NOTHING. This studying and testing and fretting is kind of actually making me a little dizzy and constipated, and unable to concentrate, or write a blog post that actually makes any sense. I wish I could say that, while the kids have been away at camp, Mr. Handsome and I have been having orgies, and going out to fabulous dinners, and spending evenings by the fire with champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries. This couldn't be farther from the truth, y'all. And this is because I've been doing basically nothing but studying for both my biology and chemistry exams, and getting through a big chunk of my driver's license testing, which I need done before Aug. 1. Oh, and all that, PLUS getting a bladder infection that makes me want to p...

So it seems that I have finally finished my chemistry course, which deserves a national holiday of recognition in itself. That, and the fact that I am probably writing my biology exam this Saturday, and I guess you could say I can actually see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Yay me. I also paid my tuition for my first term. Correction: Mr. Handsome paid for my tuition. I am now his hooker for life. So, I guess this whole college thing is slowly becoming a reality. I just have to get through two high school course exams, a driving test, and first aid/CPR, and it's a go! And all before the end of the month. Help. Meanwhile, my angelic children are still at camp, Gryphon is still glued to my leg, and Mr. Handsome has turned into an old man wearing a hat. Let me explain. Usually, when the kids go away to camp, he and I spend evenings doing fun things like going to the movies, eating out, and having sex on the kitchen counter pretending we're single and free aga...

I have 10 days of silence in front of me. Ten days of utter calm. Noiselessness. Peace. Stillness. The children have gone to camp, and the house has returned to the World of the Adults, where All Goodness equates Life Without Noise. I'm often at a loss when the kids go away to camp, because they're really a pretty big part of my life. OK, I'll admit it. They are my life. I eat, drink, dream and poop kid crap all day and night long. But I won't complain, because they fulfill me and make me whole. Gag. Seriously, though, they are a very large part of my every day, so when they go away, it makes a big difference in our home. Suddenly, there is no more screaming, "Stop sitting on my neck!" and "I'm telling Mommy you said 'Shit' for the fifth time today!".There is no mess being made on a continual basis. There is no slamming of doors, and no pounding of feet on wooden stairs, and no milk being slurped a litre a minute, and no very expensi...

This is what I've been doing these past few weeks: All.Day.Long. Every day. And then one day just recently, this happened: I guess you could say it was a sort of chemically induced nervous breakdown. But based on entirely realistic expectations, meaning I knew deep down inside there was no way in hell I was going to pass this chemistry course unless maybe some magic pink unicorns came prancing by and sprinkled magic brain dust on me at just the right moment. But I knew THAT wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Magic pink unicorns are all busy right now trying to save Mel Gibson. And then, it happened. My knight in shining armour, my saving grace. My husband came to my rescue. I almost mauled him (in a good way) when he asked me if I'd want some help with the mathematical calculations and all the other crap that I couldn't care less about but need desperately to know in order to pass this course, and NOW! So, Mr. Handsome, who is extremely smart in man...

I've been outside maybe twice this entire week, spending the majority of my time holed up in the dining room, bedroom, or living room, with my laptop, chemistry books, and tissues for all the tears I'm shedding. Chemistry is not easy, guys. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. Here I thought, 'How hard can a few chemical compounds and some letters and numbers be?! For god's sake, I've got a university degree.' If you asked me now, my thoughts would more simulate the following: '*&$HYH#^TD)(@@":#&$^%(!!!!!!' And now, because I have to pass this chemistry course in order to get into the paramedic program this fall, Mr. Handsome has taken it upon himself to study it so that he can help me with all the mathematical equations and chemical blahblahblah because he is the Dr. Spock in our family, whereas I am  more the Kate Gosselin. Enough said. I would like to say that I now have full proof that Mr. Handsome does indeed love me, becaus...

I've been working really hard these past few weeks, trying as hard as I might to get my Biology and Chemistry done. It's damn hard work, guys, going back to being a teenager when you're actually almost at retirement age, but feel more like you're about to hit the ground six feet under. In other words, instead of this: I am like this: but feel like this: Very confusing. I know. I can only imagine what college will be like in the fall, when I walk into the classroom on the first day, and everyone in there (including the professor) could easily be my grandchild. I can hardly wait. The prospect has definitely had me stressed out, to say the least. I am either going to be pitied, ignored, or laughed at. None of these choices are good. I can see it now: I am being tested in CPR, and I run out of steam partway into the examination. I just can't do it. I don't have the energy, the stamina, the wherewithal to bring the fake person back to life. But, i...