Precious Is Upset

So, off I go for my ultrasound appointment yesterday, innocently throwing some of Sting's Fields of Gold on the CD player in the car as I leave behind my nauseated son lying prostrate on the couch watching The Matrix, and Mr. Handsome, who was taking a handful of Advil and claiming to have a wicked headache as I walked out the door.

My appointment was just for a regular ultrasound of my uterus, the womb from whence my children came, related to the perimenopausal symptoms I've been having for the past six months or so, namely having a period every two weeks. Yes, it's been awful. Sorry to all my male readers, but maybe it's time you realize and understand that we women go through absolute hell. Hell, I tell you.

So, I find the place, and I think to myself that maybe I didn't make such a great choice in having the ultrasound done here since the office is located in the middle of an industrial area, smack dab in-between a construction company, and Al's Diner (open to truckers 24 hours a day!).

After I get past the initial fear and the trembling in my rectum subsides, I enter the building and find the office. There are a lot of women there, lined up, which settles my stomach some, because after all, we can't all be wrong here, right? And then I just get pissed off because now I have to wait for what seems like freaking forever to hand in my health card and appointment form.

It actually doesn't take that long, and I actually begin feeling a little sorry for the receptionist because she's, like, handling a 10-line phone plus a line-up of emotional, hormonal women. And I just know she's getting paid diddly to do it. I almost want to give her a smooch, but I resisted, mainly because she didn't really turn me on. And also, I wasn't in the mood. So, instead, I told her how much I liked her stained sweatshirt, and I went to sit down.

I was down for about two minutes before this diminutive East Indian fellow in a white lab coat calls my name, then chuckles to himself because he couldn't pronounce it, and thought that was pretty funny.

I follow him into the room and climb onto the table. In about five seconds flat, Mr. Thankyouthankyouverymuch begins berating me for not having drunk enough water.

"I didn't drink anything," I told him.

The room was dark, and all I could see were the whites of his eyes and he stared at me in disbelief.

"You did not drink? Why not?!"

And all of a sudden I feel like the little schoolgirl who is getting crapped on by the principal for befriending that strange man who would come into the schoolyard and sit in the corner and sharing my apple with him.

I tell him that I was not told to drink anything, to which Mr. Thankyouthankyouverymuch replied, "But you have had babies, no? You know that you must drink drink drink when you come in for such a test."

And I say, "But I'm not pregnant."

And he says, "But this is the same test. The same test, you see? And now I cannot see your uterus. Do you see? Your bladder, it is not very full."

"I know. I didn't drink anything before coming here," I remind him.

He blathered on and on for a couple of minutes, took a few pictures, and then said, "Well, so now we will insert this tool into your vagina and we will look at your uterus from this angle since you do not have the water in your bladder."

And it was my turn to look at him in disbelief, my jaw dropping simultaneously as I looked at the instrument to which he was pointing, and thought to myself, 'No way no how that thing is going up my Precious.'

But, of course, I've had this test done before. But, you have to understand, I have to be prepared for said test. Whenever anyone is going near my nethers, it takes a lot of concentrated effort on my part not to shit my pants. And, although I am not a prejudiced person, and treat all people equally and with respect, I had a bad experience with a doctor of the same ethnicity as Mr. Thankyouthankyouverymuch, and ever since, it's been hard for me not to scurry away and hide behind a closetful of coats when one such doctor comes near me.

Mr. Thankyouthankyouverymuch proceeds to explain the entire procedure to me, saying the word "vagina" at least 20 times in the span of one minute. That's a "vagina" almost every two seconds! In that time, he also tells me that I'm fortunate since having the test done "this way" is much more preferable for my problem than having it done externally. To which I reply (in my head), "So then why the f&*k didn't you offer to do it this way in the beginning?!"

So, after he leaves, I take off my pants and underwear and hop back on the bed, trying to act as nonchalant as I possibly can. How bad can this be? I ask myself. It couldn't be anywhere near as bad as that time I had the same test done and farted very audibly through my vag when they inserted the penis probe. I mean, how often does that happen?

Mr. Thankyouthankyouverymuch comes back in, this time with a chaperone, a female technician called Candy who chewed gum but had very nice teeth. He proceeds to place a glove over the probe, and lubes it up with more cold lube than I've even seen in an entire pharmacy. How big does he think Precious is, I'm asking myself.

I tell him, "Umm, I'm allergic to latex. And all condoms. Even lambskin."

And he replies, "Oh, yes, this is non-allergenic latex. You will be just fine. Now spread your legs and relax."

Last time I heard those words ... oh, never mind.

So, I'm thinking to myself, 'What the f$*k is he talking about, non-allergenic latex?!', but I just smile, nod my head and do as I'm told.

Candy tells me to take the probe and shove it up my Precious, I'm guessing so that they can't be sued for attempted sexual assault on a prostrate perimenopausal woman.

And the test begins.

And no, it was not enjoyable. Thanks for asking.

And here I sit, writing this, and notice that that non-allergenic latex glove Mr. Thankyouthankyouverymuch told me I wouldn't react to has possibly caused a very uncomfortable crotch-rot feeling in my nethers, and Precious is not a happy camper.

And when Precious isn't happy, no one's happy.



Unknown said…
WOW! ummmm that was a little too much TMI.. But you admitting you queefed during another such exam cracked me up!

I hate these T-V ultrasounds too, you would think that they could make the damn thing vibrate or at least gyrate! WTF!
Beth said…
I feel guilty for laughing at your misfortune. Sorry.
Skye said…
GOOD GOD!!!!! There is no such thing as Non-Allergenic Latex! Latex is latex, if you're allergic, you're allergic! Jesus Christ that doc is a QUACK!

Sorry for the cursing, but doc's like that, really piss me off! There's a reason that they only "practice medicine", it's 'cause they can't get it right! And we're supposed to trust these fools, sheesh!
Michel said…
OMFG! you need to post a warning before you write that!!!

I do not know how you managed to get through that!!! I would have run away screaming. I have to prepare myself for any nudity and God help me, for anything that needs to be put inside. And when I say "prepare" I mean valium and vodka - my two very best friends.

that said, you made me laugh out loud on that one. However, don't even write that shit again!!! it's not sanitary!!
~*Jobthingy*~ said…
non allergic latex?

i think you need to find a better ultrasound place LOL
Anonymous said…
Oh Mary! You poor precious gal!

heh heh
raquel roysdon said…
I'm with you. nuff said.
Kelly said…
Funny! Sorry, it's funny! Hope everything is okay...
Trina said…
Sounds like a fun day. HA!! Sorry you had such a crappy experience with what sounds like a crappy doc.
Blonde Goddess said…
Hmm...after reading about your experience and then thinking about my own with Dr.Butt Pirate, I have come to the conclusion that it may shock you to read my blog and I don't know how you manage to get through it and comment without having a nervous breakdown...LOL

(I'm sorry if I've ever caused your rectum to tremble with one of my posts.)
Martha H. said…
I'm so sorry you had to endure that. Does not sound very pleasant at all.
lisahgolden said…
I think a strongly worded letter to someone is in order. That whole episode just wasn't right and I know just how you feel. You did what you were told because of the hassle of it all.

Dammit. That's awful.
I can't believe he told you it was Non-allergenic latex. What a ****head. I hope you are okay soon! What a sucky way to start your weekend.
Minka said…
It doesn't hurt, maybe it's a bit unpleasant, but it doesn't hurt - said my mum about visiting a gynecologist...before I wnt for the first time.
So many years later it can still ruin my day, just thinking of it... And no, it usually does not hurt.

Find another place, though and another doctor...
Sorry to hear about Precious. I can't relate, but I'm she my sister could. She found out the hard way she's allergic to latex. The hard way. She breaks out in eczema. Badly. *shudder*
Hopefully you won't have to have anymore ultra sounds. Especially internal ones.
Anonymous said…
Precious? Bwahahaha. That's the funniest name for the nethers. :)
But, I tremble at the thought of that ultrasound wand.
Staci said…
Oh my, what an experience! I hope your "precious" has recovered!
melissa said…
like beth...i'm so sorry that i was laughing hysterically on your account. but dude...this was the funniest vaginal ultrasound post that i've ever read. um...yeah...sorry about that...
Debbie said…
Last winter I had to have the same lovely experience. And they didn't tell me to drink either. I felt like a 6 year old being chastised. How about you?
anymommy said…
That last sentence sounds like a rule to live by to me. Funny. And, not funny. Sorry!
Anonymous said…
"Precious" hahaha! Love it!

Yup, I'm all too familiar with the dildo cam, at least once a month with all this fertility crap I go through.
Pleasant, huh??

And the two period a month? Been there. Had surgery to determine I have endometriosis. Since surgery I have been one period a month, much better.

Popular posts from this blog

Just call me a dwarf

Drowning in Sexy

I Could Live The Kobe Life, But I Don't Like Beer