Holy Mackerel

Why, yes. Yes I am still alive. I think. Just a second, let me check. Yup. Still here. Although I have no feeling left from the neck up. It's been yet another whirlwind of a week (or whirledwind, as some people say, which actually drives me crazy, but I'll just leave that alone for today), but I still haven't written my last exam (it's somewhere in-between Toronto and here, which probably means it's in Tokyo, knowing our postal service). I've been studying chemical equations and gas reactions, and meanwhile, Dee has been sick as a puppy with a stomach thing that makes him pass out everytime he goes to the bathroom, which makes this mommy very very sad. I'm hoping he's feeling better soon, because this has been going on since last Thursday, and there are no signs of it letting up. And I have a raging bladder infection that makes the normal act of peeing seem like you are actually putting your urethra through a meat grinder. Over and over and over aga...

I'm remembering to breathe, blink and swallow. Only one more hurdle, and I'm done. Until September, when it all begins again. A whirlwind of a week this past one was. I had ambulance driver training, the ambulance driving license test, my biology exam, studying for my chemistry exam (which is happening this week), and a full weekend of First Aid and CPR training. I can barely mouth the words, "Thank god that's over." I was so tired Sunday morning, when I had to once again get up early to make it to my first aid/CPR class, that I decided not to shower. My "buddy" in the class (we were paired up) was going to love me. So, in a pre-emptive state of mind, I decided I should use some body spray throughout to ensure no strange and telling smells would waft. So I sprayed under my shirt, just enough to give the sense that I was as fresh as a wilting tulip. And then, before I knew what I was doing, I opened up the elasticized waist of my pants, and sprayed t...

I have no idea where to even start, and have no idea where it's going to end! Which, I suppose, is the fun of it all, but it still gives me the heeby jeebies, and ends with my house looking like a disaster zone x 32,400. So, I have so far this week managed to get my ambulance driver's license despite having knocked the side mirror into a sign, driven with the hood unhitched, and driven over the speed limit (a story for yet another day!) and written my biology exam (with a raging migraine, I might add). At the same time, I've also succeeded at succumbing to some kind of nasty something that is invading my bladder and turning it inside out and upside down, while stabbing it repeatedly with rusty nails. What I'm trying to say is, I think I have a bladder infection, but I haven't had time to go to the lab to leave a pee sample, and so instead, I sit on the toilet about 11,000 times a day, writhing in pain as my urethra spasms unendingly, and I pretend I'm anywher...

I was sort of kind of preparing a really good post for today, full of wisdom, some extremely potent humour, and a few amazing drawings that would make you all sigh in complete and utter awe. Instead, I've got this. Also known as NOTHING. This studying and testing and fretting is kind of actually making me a little dizzy and constipated, and unable to concentrate, or write a blog post that actually makes any sense. I wish I could say that, while the kids have been away at camp, Mr. Handsome and I have been having orgies, and going out to fabulous dinners, and spending evenings by the fire with champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries. This couldn't be farther from the truth, y'all. And this is because I've been doing basically nothing but studying for both my biology and chemistry exams, and getting through a big chunk of my driver's license testing, which I need done before Aug. 1. Oh, and all that, PLUS getting a bladder infection that makes me want to p...

So it seems that I have finally finished my chemistry course, which deserves a national holiday of recognition in itself. That, and the fact that I am probably writing my biology exam this Saturday, and I guess you could say I can actually see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Yay me. I also paid my tuition for my first term. Correction: Mr. Handsome paid for my tuition. I am now his hooker for life. So, I guess this whole college thing is slowly becoming a reality. I just have to get through two high school course exams, a driving test, and first aid/CPR, and it's a go! And all before the end of the month. Help. Meanwhile, my angelic children are still at camp, Gryphon is still glued to my leg, and Mr. Handsome has turned into an old man wearing a hat. Let me explain. Usually, when the kids go away to camp, he and I spend evenings doing fun things like going to the movies, eating out, and having sex on the kitchen counter pretending we're single and free aga...

I have 10 days of silence in front of me. Ten days of utter calm. Noiselessness. Peace. Stillness. The children have gone to camp, and the house has returned to the World of the Adults, where All Goodness equates Life Without Noise. I'm often at a loss when the kids go away to camp, because they're really a pretty big part of my life. OK, I'll admit it. They are my life. I eat, drink, dream and poop kid crap all day and night long. But I won't complain, because they fulfill me and make me whole. Gag. Seriously, though, they are a very large part of my every day, so when they go away, it makes a big difference in our home. Suddenly, there is no more screaming, "Stop sitting on my neck!" and "I'm telling Mommy you said 'Shit' for the fifth time today!".There is no mess being made on a continual basis. There is no slamming of doors, and no pounding of feet on wooden stairs, and no milk being slurped a litre a minute, and no very expensi...

Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder what the hell you were thinking to even lift your head off the pillow in the first place? I had one of those days yesterday. It's like, just when I thought I had jumped the final hurdle, there comes yet another elephant that I am somehow supposed to climb over, despite the fact that I'm exhausted and have been running for what seems like five months full throttle. And this elephant is like the size of 127 very large, obese elephants. And on top of that, add a bi-monthly heavy period and sudden extreme hot flashes, and you start to get an idea of how I felt yesterday. Oh, and I forgot to add the gassy dog. Check. So, as you know, I've been working hard at fulfilling my prerequisites for the paramedic program at college this fall, to which I've already been accepted, conditional on completing the prerequisites. And herein lies the seemingly perpetual problem. Although I will take blame for a bit of procrastination, a ...

This is what I've been doing these past few weeks: All.Day.Long. Every day. And then one day just recently, this happened: I guess you could say it was a sort of chemically induced nervous breakdown. But based on entirely realistic expectations, meaning I knew deep down inside there was no way in hell I was going to pass this chemistry course unless maybe some magic pink unicorns came prancing by and sprinkled magic brain dust on me at just the right moment. But I knew THAT wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Magic pink unicorns are all busy right now trying to save Mel Gibson. And then, it happened. My knight in shining armour, my saving grace. My husband came to my rescue. I almost mauled him (in a good way) when he asked me if I'd want some help with the mathematical calculations and all the other crap that I couldn't care less about but need desperately to know in order to pass this course, and NOW! So, Mr. Handsome, who is extremely smart in man...

I've been outside maybe twice this entire week, spending the majority of my time holed up in the dining room, bedroom, or living room, with my laptop, chemistry books, and tissues for all the tears I'm shedding. Chemistry is not easy, guys. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. Here I thought, 'How hard can a few chemical compounds and some letters and numbers be?! For god's sake, I've got a university degree.' If you asked me now, my thoughts would more simulate the following: '*&$HYH#^TD)(@@":#&$^%(!!!!!!' And now, because I have to pass this chemistry course in order to get into the paramedic program this fall, Mr. Handsome has taken it upon himself to study it so that he can help me with all the mathematical equations and chemical blahblahblah because he is the Dr. Spock in our family, whereas I am  more the Kate Gosselin. Enough said. I would like to say that I now have full proof that Mr. Handsome does indeed love me, becaus...

Do you ever surprise yourself with your reaction to something, as if your reaction is actually someone else's, and you're just a bystander? And then you make sure you took your Xanax this morning, and then you discover you actually don't even have a prescription for Xanax, which makes you cower under the covers in fear for the rest of the day. Well, that's the way I've been feeling the past few days, after finally getting a call from the doctors in Toronto that I went to see back in April about my arthritis in hopes of getting a more definite diagnosis and treatment plan. I finally got some pretty definite answers, and it's put me in a funk, which I suppose isn't surprising since I am almost always in one funk or another, and if I'm not, I'm in the midst of planning one. Have you ever planned a funk? It's actually kind of fun. More fun than the actual funk itself, once it arrives. Sort of like the family trip, but without the accompanying tou...

Holy crap, guys. It's almost July! And I have so much stuff to do between now and the end of July that just thinking about it makes my anus clench in a perpetual cramp. Either way you look at it, it's not pleasant. On a somewhat brighter note, I've pretty much finished the Biology portion of my pre-requisites for the paramedic program this fall, so I'm halfway there. Sort of. Fact is, this chemistry is kicking my butt. I almost enjoyed biology, and even learned a few things. Chemistry? Not so much. I mean, who really cares what happens when you mix 4F + 3(CO) 2 ? Not me. And what's worse is I'm pretty darn sure I don't need to know one iota of this in order to be a paramedic. I have now spent the better part of three days trying to figure out how to balance chemical equations, and I can now finally say that I UNDERSTAND!!! And now I also understand why I should have taken Grade 11 chemistry BEFORE Grade 12. And then I found out that Michelangelo has been...

I'm having a good hair day today, guys! And I'm also tearing the same hair out of my head as I try and try and try again to get through page by page of this Grade 12 chemistry course that is whipping my butt sentence by difficult sentence. Help . Meanwhile, * Feeling really old, and other fun crap * Garbage. Sarah Jessica Parker, horse nostrils, and dead mice. Oh, and earthquakes. Story of my life. That would be about it. I'm too tired to even attempt to write anything witty or rude.

Okay, I give up. Here I was, innocently and diligently (I might add) studying away, when suddenly my very keen nose sensed a not-so-wonderful smell. Not quite old garbage, not quite rotting flesh, more like a little of both. Thanks to my amazing sense of smell, I was the only one in the entire house who noticed this smell. But "notice" isn't the word, folks. This smell, over the day, overwhelmed me. Imagine trying to study Grade 12 Chemistry while sitting in the middle of a fetid dumpsite. Yeah, that was me. By nightfall, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I went on the hunt. My nose told me the smell wasn't coming from the garbage in the kitchen. I quickly narrowed down the area to the stove. Upon further investigation, I found this in the drawer at the bottom of the stove. I came very close to throwing up. Then I told Mr. Handsome he had a job to do, and I went to bed. Got up the next morning, happy the stench was removed, and sat down to get back to my ...

I've been working really hard these past few weeks, trying as hard as I might to get my Biology and Chemistry done. It's damn hard work, guys, going back to being a teenager when you're actually almost at retirement age, but feel more like you're about to hit the ground six feet under. In other words, instead of this: I am like this: but feel like this: Very confusing. I know. I can only imagine what college will be like in the fall, when I walk into the classroom on the first day, and everyone in there (including the professor) could easily be my grandchild. I can hardly wait. The prospect has definitely had me stressed out, to say the least. I am either going to be pitied, ignored, or laughed at. None of these choices are good. I can see it now: I am being tested in CPR, and I run out of steam partway into the examination. I just can't do it. I don't have the energy, the stamina, the wherewithal to bring the fake person back to life. But, i...

We went go-karting and mini-golfing Friday night, as part of a family fun event put on by Camp Quality. And it was lots of fun, and laughter, and all that good stuff. We even had hot dogs, chips and pop for dinner, which made the kids very happy. I wish I had brought my camera (when will I learn?) because there were some awesome moments to capture, like when Slut put on her go-karting helmet and her face got smushed, or when Dee was speeding around the track, or when one of the kids got stuck in a cart with his legs sticking up in the air (well, it wasn't really funny because he's blind and has cancer, but then, if you can't laugh at that, what can you laugh at?). I also missed a really nice sunset. Luckily, Em at least took a photo of Slut with her ill-fitted helmet, but she couldn't upload it to my computer, so I'm screwed. You're welcome. Meanwhile ... * Whereby I find out that using fake tan lotion is less than I expected, and yet again, so much more...

My very very good friend Slut and I are about to embark on yet another adventure. I KNOW! I can hardly believe it myself, which is actually really a stupid thing to say, when you think about it for more than a split second, because obviously I'm one of the people embarking on said adventure WITH Slut, so why the hell WOULDN'T I believe it?! Unless, of course, I'm either schizophrenic, or maybe narcoleptic, in which case, who cares. Exactly. So, like I said, we're going on another adventure. As if New York City wasn't enough. Slut picked me up Monday evening and off we went to learn more about our adventure. We had decided to volunteer for the HOPE Volleyball Summerfest , which is an annual charity event that gives the money raised to chosen charities. This year, one of the charities chosen is Camp Quality Eastern Ontario, a camp for kids with cancer. As most of you know, Dee had cancer and has been going to this camp for something like eight years now. Slut also ...