Soothing My Savage Beasts With The Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I went shopping the other night and bought myself a new bra. Two, actually, since the second one was 50 per cent off and I am in desperate need of good bras. Let me just pre-empt your comments (and you know who you are) and let you know that, yes, I do have breasts large enough to fit a bra. No, not a training bra. Very funny.

So what if my daughter is already bigger than me?

Anyway, as I was saying, I bought myself two new bras. Maidenform, to be exact. I really like them.

This is why:

Yes, these are actually my breasts.

My bras are push-up bras, and for you men out there, that means they are made in a special way so that when you stuff your breasties into it, the special bra formation squeezes the mammaries and pushes them upward so that -- voila! -- you can almost have the breasts of Dolly Parton without the back problem!

These bras make your whole frontal scene a much more pleasant place to view, especially when you reach my age, and your frontal scene is more akin to this:

I pretty much look like that, except with longer blonde hair. His brows are a nicer shape than mine as well. Damn it.

But his breasts...they look exactly like mine. In fact, they look somewhat better than mine. I'm jealous.

In addition to enhancing my mamilla, these new bras of mine are sure coming in handy at my two-week office job, where I'm filing for seven hours a day with a smile on my face, as I look at people's names and snicker. Names like "Yeung Butfouk". Get it? And I did not make that name up. Say it three times fast and you'll get it. No, I don't work in a pornographic studio.

Why do these bras come in handy at the office, you ask, bringing me back to my topic once again? Because they cause me to have something called "cleavage". And cleavage is not something I can usually say I own (see above). Not even a little. Because my mammaries are too small, and they live somewhere below my navel region on a good day. Except when I lie down, and then they cuddle up on either side of me like little puppies. Hence, no cleavage. At all. Ever.

Anyway, when I put on these magical bras, it's like a transformation before my eyes. A transformation like no other. And the best part, getting back to the office filing job...I have found that my breasts can now act like an extra set of hands! Yes, I can gingerly perch a multitude of files in-between my breasts, thanks to my Maidenform cleavage-forming brassiere, and go about my business putting files away, using both my hands since they are now free from holding said files!

I tried to get a picture of this, but alas, you'll have to imagine it. I dare you.


Anonymous said…
Those bras sound like must haves for wanna-be's like me. I still don't see how they can do work with what isn't there but I'll trust you. ;)

Happy Valentine's Day!
3 Bay B Chicks said…
Mary Moore is an early morning blogger, just like me. I like it!

Great post for Valentine's Day. Nothing screams love more than photos and a great tribute to the push-up bra. You inspire me to go shopping so that I don't look like that guy in the photo too.

ShanaM said…
Nothing like a good bra!!
♥ Braja said…
OMG Mary that was HILARIOUS :)
♥ Braja said…
OMG Mary that was HILARIOUS :)
~*Jobthingy*~ said…

i have bigguns. so i use mine as a plate holder when i am eating on the couch.. i love multipurpose boobs
Sandi said…
Where do get these pictures?

I do have some nipple envy going on over here. If I could have his nickle sized nipples on my 300cc bags of water....I would be a hot mama!
Raven said…
I love push-up bras! I tried my first one a few years ago, and that's all I wear now. Who says you can't beat gravity?!?!
Stacy Uncorked said…
HAHAHAHAHA! Love it... Hilarious post, glad I stumbled over here... ;)
ShanaM said…
I left an award for you over at my blog! Hugs!

I watched the wedding show of the Duggars again the other night. I must have missed it when Anna's popa said that when Jesus made water into wine, he meant grape juice. HA. Now he is rewriting the bible to suit him. HA
nikkicrumpet said…
My boobs could sure use a little magic. But I haven't seen a bra yet that can push up and enhance and still erase the wrinkles lol
Jenni said…
I am the proud owner of a few cleverly engineered push up bras and I love them!
Bon Don said…
Congrats on the wonderful bras! they are hard to find, but when you get a good one it's awesome!
I have to be in the mood to shop for bras ... I hate it. Ha!
Unknown said…
Okay-I'm LMAO! I have the same problem finding a bra that really works for me. I too have "hangy downy boobs" in need of a lift-at least enough to get them off of my belly. Thanks for sharing, I may go bra shopping today!
Unknown said…
LOL! I need a bra like this.. Mine are big, but I could always use the extra boost
Anonymous said…
I love maidenform!

I need push-ups too! ;)
Veronica said…
I have been planning to go shopping for bras this very night! :) I may have to check those kind out.
Michelle said…
Love this post. So funny! Not sure I like the picture of the guy with the man boobs. Yikes! LOL! I love my Warner bras. They're awesome. Thanks so much for your sweet comments regarding my sick little girl. Take care.
Beth said…
My eyes... OMG... my eyes! Funny post!
Anonymous said…
You are too funny!
OMG...I can't remember when I laughed so frickin hard!!!!

Popular posts from this blog

Gobble Gobble!

Just call me a dwarf

How About Some Kielbasa Up The Poopshoot?