Holy Mackerel

Just call me a dwarf

2011-03-15T07:46:00.002-04:00

I realize it's been almost a month since I last posted, which is a record, guys. I also have continued getting paid for my blog, which just makes me feel kind of crazy happy instead of guilty, because I'm an awful human being. So, what have I been doing all this time while you've continued checking this blog, wondering if I've posted today, and then finding out that, once again, I haven't, and

R.I.P.

2011-02-15T07:28:00.001-05:00

I was going to entertain you today with stories of me falling off chairs,, getting stuck in a bathroom stall in the dark and having my head compared to a pimple. But not today. Today, I'm going to talk about a man. A man who had a great impact on my life, and on many others. Ian was my boss, in charge of making sure everything ran smoothly in our real estate office. He was the reason I went to

I am old, and there's nothing more to say

2011-02-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

Although I have often spoken about feeling about a million years old these past few years, I honestly know what it actually feels like now, and I can also now honestly say that I AM OLD. Now excuse me while I sob into my fifth gin and tonic of the morning. So, I worked at my new library job last week, full days both Thursday and Saturday. The job basically entails a lot of shelving of books,

Anyone need a job picking my nose? Apply herein

2011-02-03T09:50:00.000-05:00

So, I got another call from Adonis yesterday, telling me his office has blocked my blog so that he can no longer read it while he sits at his desk pretending to work. I feel sorry for you, Adonis. Really, I do. And then I felt kind of proud that they felt it necessary to block my blog. I should probably get an award for that because, in my opinion, this is a HUGE success! Who doesn't want to be

Electrode hickeys

2011-02-01T17:50:00.001-05:00

I thought I'd better post another post lest Adonis call me and spit wrathfully at me again for not posting often enough. Brothers. Is "wrathfully" a word? Not sure. Don't care. So, I'm sitting here, at the dining room table, and writing this instead of studying crap senior biology. Do you blame me? Didn't think so. I'm also scratching just above my right nipple, where one of my heart monitor's

Updates coming out the yazoo and every other orifice you might or might not have

2011-01-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

So, my brother Adonis called me today, telling me I wasn't updating my blog enough and he felt he was losing touch with me, his only sister whom he loves more than life itself, and I then wanted to say well then why don't you pick up the damn phone and call me, but I didn't say that because it would sound kind of rude, and I am never rude to people, animals or even rocks, because rocks have

Nurse! Nurse! I need my nail clippers!

2011-01-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

So, guys, I just applied to three nursing programs in the hopes of getting into one of them for the fall. Nursing is what I've decided to go for, now that my career as a paramedic has most probably ended before it even began, sort of like the egg coming before the chicken, which can only happen to me. I came to the decision a little while back that nursing was probably a better career for me

Illness abounds

2011-01-19T13:15:00.000-05:00

Things are going oh so smoothly here on the ranch. NOT. So far this week (and it's only Wednesday, I think), we have one sick boy at home with what seems to be a bad virus that has so far attacked his abdominal region, his throat, his chest, and his joy for life. Dee is sad and sick. We also have a sick Em, who isn't quite as ill as Dee because she is still able to go to school and get things

Coffee tables have many uses. Obviously.

2011-01-17T20:22:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was extremely eventful. Not only did we vacuum the living room rug, but we also got up the courage to remove the guinea pig cage (which was homemade and awesome, and which sat on our old coffee table, which we hadn't used as a coffee table since Em was born because we are anal in that way and decided that we would rather not have a coffee table for a thousand years than have

It's like this

2011-01-13T14:14:00.000-05:00

Here I am, back again for yet another dreary and depressing entry into what is known as my amazingly exciting life. Believe you me, all I tell you is true. I am not making anything up. And I totally understand your feelings of envy, wishing you could be me. But, I'm here to tell you, you can't. It's not easy to be me, and this is why: 7 a.m. I open my eyes. I can hear both kids as they get

Things can only get better. Right?

2011-01-10T16:32:00.000-05:00

Oh, hello there. Me again. Still depressed. Still feeling like Life has crashed into me head-on and run over me about eleventy-million times. Which it kind of has. Still have heard nada from anyone at the school. They're all ignoring me, guys. It's like they hate me or, even worse, don't care. Not a nice feeling, either way. With classes starting today, I'm a bit anxious to get this stuff

Merry Deep Hole of Depression, everyone! Oh, and a really adequate new year, too.

2011-01-03T07:16:00.001-05:00

Oh. Hello there. Why, yes, I'm still alive. Thank you for asking. At least, I think I am. Just a second. Yup. I'm alive. But just barely. Lots has happened since I last wrote on Dec. 16, which is almost two Oh weeks ago, which is a lifetime in the world of the blog. And when I last wrote (on Dec. 16), I was getting all ready for a nice big Christmas holiday, which I so badly needed. Firstly, I

Phew!

2010-12-16T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have probably never wanted a holiday as much as I do this year. No, that's not true. I KNOW I have never wanted a holiday as much as I do this year. Yeah, that's better. Because, guys, I've been working so very very hard. So hard, in fact, that I've pretty much lost every single reader I ever had on this blog, which would amount to about 2.5. It's been so long that I almost forgot how to write

Christmas Wish List -- Item #1

2010-12-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought you were one of those people who had everything... http://cgi.ebay.com/Grey-Squirrel-Birch-Bark-Canoe-Fox-Taxidermy-Full-Mount-/250737463987?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3a611e12b3

Meh

2010-12-06T22:52:00.000-05:00

Finals. That is all.

Order

2010-11-25T09:13:00.000-05:00

Mr. Handsome, while brushing his teeth: You know, I keep forgetting. Me: What? Mr. Handsome: I keep forgetting...brush teeth first, THEN have a crap.

RIP Furry

2010-11-19T10:37:00.000-05:00

Amidst all the crap that was last week, the worst thing that happened finally happened: our first, and oldest, pet passed away. You know how sometimes you just know that something really bad is about to happen? Or how sometimes you just know that someone (or something) is going to die shortly? Well, I had that feeling about Furry, our guinea pig. The six months or so, she was moving a little

The joy of being me

2010-11-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

Like it's not bad enough that I struggle daily to keep up with my mammoth studies of anatomical drawings of men's gargantuan genitalia, but now the final exams are looming, I still can't lift a 200-pound person in a chair up two flights of stairs, and my arthritis has flared up to an entirely new level of agony and utter torment. That is probably one of the worst parts of having arthritis: the

Prudes need not apply

2010-11-10T10:38:00.000-05:00

Note to Mr. Handsome: Read this post at your own risk. Don't blame me if you fall over in a dead syncopic episode due to extreme prudishness. I've finally figured out a way to totally gross out Mr. Handsome, and make him pray for freedom from the chains of marriage. You may think that an odd statement regarding one's spousal unit, but then, you obviously just don't know enough about Mr.

Eviscerations To The Yin Yang

2010-11-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

If it wasn't bad enough that I had a wee eyeball issue last week, as well as a major toothache that is still rearing its ugly head with pain, I came home today to dog crap on our living room carpet. Five nicely-shaped nuggets of the canine variety, more specifically, poodle-like. Oh, yeah. And no one saw it until I came home. Strange coincidence. Guess who picked up the chocolate bananas? Yup.

Grief and Doom Need Not Apply

2010-11-04T10:58:00.000-04:00

That does it. As if it wasn't enough that two of my teeth decided to give me grief the other day...Now I have to go to the hospital to get my eyeballs checked out because I think I may have another retinal detachment happening, which wouldn't be a good thing, in case you were wondering. Looks like the Cloud of Doom has decided to sit right on top of me and give me just a little more grief. Yeah,

Ouch

2010-10-28T10:52:00.000-04:00

As if I needed any extra help in realizing the realities of my situation, Mr. Handsome recently decided to make things clearer for me. Me: You know, I am finally seeing a big difference in my strength. It took long enough, didn't it, for my work-outs to make a difference? Mr. Handsome: Not really. Me: What do you mean, "Not really"??? Sure it did. Mr. Handsome: What I mean is that you forget

I'm Cinderella

2010-10-25T08:45:00.000-04:00

Oh, hello there. Me? I'm fine. Still alive, yes. Thanks for asking. Despite my super-human strength, and abilities beyond any other human's, I too have failures. Yes, it's true. My failure is not keeping up this blog. Oh, and maybe never seeing my family, not getting enough sleep, barely eating, and perhaps having really bad gas -- if you are one of those people who see bad gas as a failure. I

A post whereby I talk about absolutely nothing that has anything to do with anything else in the post

2010-10-18T07:05:00.001-04:00

Well, I believe this is the first time in the history of this blog that I've only posted once in an entire week. I've gone from posting pretty much every day, to four times a week, to three, to two, and now one? Of course, I have good reason, and I know all of you know what it is. Where was I? Oh yeah... My readership is going downdowndown, my Alexa rating is dipping, I have nothing to talk

Not Forgotten

2010-10-13T10:05:00.000-04:00

Some childhood memories are never forgotten. It is surprising that even what might seem like the most mundane, idiotic and immature of events can become such an ingrained part of who you become as an adult. When I went back to college in September, I had mixed feelings. Here I was, a middle-aged mom who's been out of school for 20 years, going back, knowing full well that my class would most

Stabs of guilt

2010-10-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

Can't believe it's already the middle of freaking October, and by that I mean HOLY CRAP, TIME IS MOVING WAAAAY TOO FAST!!! And then I ask myself, 'Poodle, how does this happen?' Does time actually go faster at various moments in the space-time continuum, or is it that my brain finally exploded and caused me to lose track of a few months? I'm voting for the brain explosion, because that's how

A nice way to be

2010-10-04T07:19:00.000-04:00

I started writing a post the other day in the midst of my paramedic schooling fog, and then I had to stop because the dog screamed out in his sleep, and when I finally went back to writing it, I totally forgot what the hell I was writing about, and nothing I had written made any sense whatsoever, so I had to hit delete and here I am. My brain is mushy, like a nice big pot of Kraft Dinner left on

I'm goin' downdowndown

2010-09-27T09:59:00.000-04:00

I am going through a bit of a downward spiral these past few days. I've gone from feeling pretty damn good about myself and my achievements to feeling kind of like, "WTF EVER possessed me to even THINK I could be a goddammed paramedic?!!", except with many more swear words. My emotions are all over the place, and although I kind of know this is just the way it is, it still sucks mightily. I had

My days

2010-09-23T10:01:00.000-04:00

My days go something like this: I wake up to the sound of the kids getting ready to go to school. Usually they're very quiet and well behaved, so that I can turn over and go back to sleep for a few minutes. Finally, I groggily get up and put in my contact lenses so that I don't pee all over the floor by mistake. My process-of-elimination skills aren't so great. Then I brush my hair, which is

Sweaty boobs

2010-09-20T17:31:00.000-04:00

Me: Holy crap! Mr. Handsome: What? Me: I'm reading all about sweat glands here, and I just found out something I probably would rather not know. Mr. Handsome: *Silence* Me: Hello? Did you hear what I said? Mr. Handsome: Yes. I'm just not sure I want to hear this. Me: Oh, you do... Mr. Handsome: *Long pause* Okay. Me: Did you know that the milk my breasts make are actually sweat glands???!!! How

Round 342: Me against the world

2010-09-17T09:16:00.000-04:00

There I was, wheezing, as I tried to keep up with everyone else. Give up I did not, however. I carried on, trudging wearily, slapping one tired foot in front of the other on the hard cement floor, focusing on the prize: my dignity. Clearly, I didn't get the prize, because I have no dignity left. There I was, in my gym class, which all we paramedic-wannabes have to take in an effort to get into

Lucky Girl

2010-09-13T09:06:00.000-04:00

So, it's like this, guys. I'm old, decrepit, and feeble. And yet, it kind of feels good to hurt, if you know what I mean. Do you? Or am I just fumbling along, trying to make sense of my feelings again? What I mean, I think, is that, despite my sore muscles from my Fitness Till Death class, and my newest class -- Lab -- whereby we get to lift each other off the floor and simultaneously rip our

The Sneaky Age Thing

2010-09-10T08:41:00.000-04:00

So, let me just say that that thing called Fitness Class should actually be called The Class That Throws You Into a Fatal Chokehold And Slowly Kills You. Because that is what happened yesterday. So yes, I am writing to you from the Land of the Dead. Trust me. I exaggerate not. My arms, they will not move, my legs are like rubber, and I feel like I walked out onto a busy street and got hit by two

School Just Might Do Me In After All

2010-09-08T22:09:00.000-04:00

As you read this, I am in my first class at college, looking very out-of-place and rather nervous as I look around the room and notice that I could be anyone's grandmother. Update: OK, maybe I was a tad too quick with that last statement, because as I was getting ready to go to my first class (gym/fitness), my bowels exploded and I ended up sitting on the toilet for more than half the class. To

Our week camping in the glorious wilderness

2010-09-02T07:53:00.002-04:00

Gryphon's week sort of went like this...

2010-08-31T07:45:00.001-04:00

And then I feel sorry for the poor poodle, and take his cone off. And this is why we probably shouldn't have a dog.

Did you know a dog's nose is REALLY cold when it ends up in your rectum? Me neither.

2010-08-26T07:47:00.002-04:00

Holy crap, guys! Our various plumbing issues have gone down the tube, pun TOTALLY intended. Umm, I guess that didn't really make sense the way I wanted it to, and all because I was so hell-bent on using silly puns to make you all giggle, or at least chortle a bit. I am so mature. So, what I meant was that our plumbing has been fixed, and we can once again wash our dirty laundry, bathe, and not

Rats in our pipes

2010-08-24T13:19:00.000-04:00

We're in the midst of getting ready for our annual Camping Extravaganza, and what an extravaganza it will be! And when I say "we", I mean me. This year, for the first time ever, the kids are each inviting a friend along, mostly as offerings to the bears that seem to always find our campsite. Every.Single.Year. I actually developed the whole "Bring a Friend" idea earlier this year, as I worried

Coneheads and sock feet

2010-08-22T13:15:00.000-04:00

Poor Gryphon is back in oven mitts socks again. His little paws are all itchy and raw, and he keeps licking them, which only makes them worse, but he doesn't know that because he's a dog. Don't judge. So, last night, he slept with socks on his feet, but I didn't take a picture of it so that I could post it here (because if this site isn't for me to make fun of the people and things I love, than

Shopper of the Year Award

2010-08-20T20:13:00.000-04:00

My husband gets Shopper of the Year Award, which looks something like this: You might be asking yourself, 'Why? Why does HE get the Shopper of the Year Award? What makes HIM so damn special?' OK. You asked... As usual, click on the picture to make it bigger. I really need to work on fixing this problem... Yeah. That's why.

Laundry

2010-08-17T07:50:00.001-04:00

In our house, the laundry system has gone through a medley of reformations and regurgitations, only to once again become the antithesis of a system in the end. This has gone on from the moment Mr. Handsome and I moved in together in our other lifetime, aka B.C. (Before Children). Little did I know -- being the rose-coloured glasses, totally-too-optimistic-kind-of-person (some people would call

Crying myself a stupid river of senseless sadness, goddammit

2010-08-13T08:22:00.002-04:00

My hormonal ebbs and flows are slowly, but surely, killing me. If it's not a major migraine that lasts for what seems half a century, then it's uterine cramps that remind me why I will never have another child of my own, and when it's not one of those two things, my emotions are screaming inside my head and it feels like my brain is eating itself. And, what makes all this even better is that --

Pie Quest, or we found god

2010-08-11T08:57:00.001-04:00

With both our children gone yet again to camp for the week, Mr. Handsome and I were at a loss as to what to do with ourselves. Our nest was empty, our birds had flown. When the children were younger, Mr. Handsome and I would be gleeful when they'd go off to camp, because suddenly we were free to go out without having to get a babysitter. It was a treat, to be sure, because we rarely went out. As

Lying in my own slothy filth, and lovin' it

2010-08-08T12:19:00.000-04:00

So Dee has left for camp for a week. And Em leaves Monday for a week to yet another camp. Yes, again. Clearly, I try my hardest to see the kids as little as possible during the summer. This means I have almost 5 days of absolute freedom, whereby I can lie in my own sloth, pig out on nothing but Nanaimo bars, Cheetos, and margaritas. I might shower, but chances are better that I won't. In other

This is why I get Mother of the Year Award. No, really, I do. Well, at least I should.

2010-08-06T17:48:00.001-04:00

This is why I win Mother of the Year Award. I couldn't upload the images, so you'll have to link to them. I'm extremely sorry for this, but it's par for the course when you put me in a room with a computer. So, just click on the following links and you'll get the picture. Pun totally intended, because I've got nothing else for y'all today, folks. I'm spent, as in, my brain has fallen apart and I

Blanket

2010-08-02T07:25:00.001-04:00

I am surrounded by love. It is wrapped around me like a warm blanket, no gaps to let in the cold. I had this realization just now, as I ambled back down the stairs to get the phone and a bag of cookies before returning to bed. Don't judge. The contentment I felt thinking this was as close as I think I've ever been to the purity, the clarity of it all. Mr. Handsome and Em are coming home late

Angelina's chest sure is comfy, whereas mine is just flattish

2010-08-01T12:23:00.001-04:00

My brain remains cluttered with chemical equations and laws, and I'm beginning to look like the frazzled professor we've all had at one time or another in university: unbrushed hair, no shower for three-plus days, and no change of clothing. Here I wait for my chemistry exam that seems to have disappeared into the ether (little chemistry joke there), somewhere between here and Toronto, hoping the

It's a small world after all...you're welcome for now having that song stuck in your head on a never-ending reel

2010-07-29T10:04:00.001-04:00

Why, yes. Yes I am still alive. I think. Just a second, let me check. Yup. Still here. Although I have no feeling left from the neck up. It's been yet another whirlwind of a week (or whirledwind, as some people say, which actually drives me crazy, but I'll just leave that alone for today), but I still haven't written my last exam (it's somewhere in-between Toronto and here, which probably means

My newest invention might one day save your life

2010-07-26T11:27:00.000-04:00

I'm remembering to breathe, blink and swallow. Only one more hurdle, and I'm done. Until September, when it all begins again. A whirlwind of a week this past one was. I had ambulance driver training, the ambulance driving license test, my biology exam, studying for my chemistry exam (which is happening this week), and a full weekend of First Aid and CPR training. I can barely mouth the words, "

I didn't know we had a tornado come through here, aka we are pigs and we don't deny it

2010-07-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

I have no idea where to even start, and have no idea where it's going to end! Which, I suppose, is the fun of it all, but it still gives me the heeby jeebies, and ends with my house looking like a disaster zone x 32,400. So, I have so far this week managed to get my ambulance driver's license despite having knocked the side mirror into a sign, driven with the hood unhitched, and driven over the

The wisdom-filled post is coming, I promise.

2010-07-20T07:01:00.002-04:00

I was sort of kind of preparing a really good post for today, full of wisdom, some extremely potent humour, and a few amazing drawings that would make you all sigh in complete and utter awe. Instead, I've got this. Also known as NOTHING. This studying and testing and fretting is kind of actually making me a little dizzy and constipated, and unable to concentrate, or write a blog post that

I need a hat for Mr. Handsome

2010-07-15T08:38:00.001-04:00

So it seems that I have finally finished my chemistry course, which deserves a national holiday of recognition in itself. That, and the fact that I am probably writing my biology exam this Saturday, and I guess you could say I can actually see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Yay me. I also paid my tuition for my first term. Correction: Mr. Handsome paid for my tuition. I am now

The home of silence, and living with a dog who wins every time

2010-07-13T08:06:00.002-04:00

I have 10 days of silence in front of me. Ten days of utter calm. Noiselessness. Peace. Stillness. The children have gone to camp, and the house has returned to the World of the Adults, where All Goodness equates Life Without Noise. I'm often at a loss when the kids go away to camp, because they're really a pretty big part of my life. OK, I'll admit it. They are my life. I eat, drink, dream and

Driving tests are over-rated, I am blind, and it all just doesn't matter

2010-07-09T12:01:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder what the hell you were thinking to even lift your head off the pillow in the first place? I had one of those days yesterday. It's like, just when I thought I had jumped the final hurdle, there comes yet another elephant that I am somehow supposed to climb over, despite the fact that I'm exhausted and have been running for what seems like five

Chemical reactions of the brain

2010-07-06T13:22:00.000-04:00

This is what I've been doing these past few weeks: All.Day.Long. Every day. And then one day just recently, this happened: I guess you could say it was a sort of chemically induced nervous breakdown. But based on entirely realistic expectations, meaning I knew deep down inside there was no way in hell I was going to pass this chemistry course unless maybe some magic pink unicorns came

Who knew that chemistry could suck the life out of a person like this? And, while on the topic, I wonder what that chemical equation would be

2010-07-04T19:55:00.001-04:00

I've been outside maybe twice this entire week, spending the majority of my time holed up in the dining room, bedroom, or living room, with my laptop, chemistry books, and tissues for all the tears I'm shedding. Chemistry is not easy, guys. Who knew?! I certainly didn't. Here I thought, 'How hard can a few chemical compounds and some letters and numbers be?! For god's sake, I've got a

When good turns bad

2010-07-02T11:45:00.000-04:00

Do you ever surprise yourself with your reaction to something, as if your reaction is actually someone else's, and you're just a bystander? And then you make sure you took your Xanax this morning, and then you discover you actually don't even have a prescription for Xanax, which makes you cower under the covers in fear for the rest of the day. Well, that's the way I've been feeling the past few

Michelangelo probably ate brains for breakfast

2010-06-29T09:42:00.000-04:00

Holy crap, guys. It's almost July! And I have so much stuff to do between now and the end of July that just thinking about it makes my anus clench in a perpetual cramp. Either way you look at it, it's not pleasant. On a somewhat brighter note, I've pretty much finished the Biology portion of my pre-requisites for the paramedic program this fall, so I'm halfway there. Sort of. Fact is, this

Today is a good day because I'm having a really good hair day and that's all that really matters, isn't it?

2010-06-27T16:42:00.001-04:00

I'm having a good hair day today, guys! And I'm also tearing the same hair out of my head as I try and try and try again to get through page by page of this Grade 12 chemistry course that is whipping my butt sentence by difficult sentence. Help. Meanwhile, * Feeling really old, and other fun crap * Garbage. Sarah Jessica Parker, horse nostrils, and dead mice. Oh, and earthquakes. Story of my

SJP looks like a horse, and I have the nostrils to prove it

2010-06-24T08:52:00.001-04:00

Okay, I give up. Here I was, innocently and diligently (I might add) studying away, when suddenly my very keen nose sensed a not-so-wonderful smell. Not quite old garbage, not quite rotting flesh, more like a little of both. Thanks to my amazing sense of smell, I was the only one in the entire house who noticed this smell. But "notice" isn't the word, folks. This smell, over the day, overwhelmed

Tiny chihuahuas probably need at least a few pillows to see out the window

2010-06-22T07:18:00.002-04:00

I've been working really hard these past few weeks, trying as hard as I might to get my Biology and Chemistry done. It's damn hard work, guys, going back to being a teenager when you're actually almost at retirement age, but feel more like you're about to hit the ground six feet under. In other words, instead of this: I am like this: but feel like this: Very confusing. I know. I can

Whereby I don't bother taking my camera and miss out on about 1,357 amazing shots that would have made me millions. Oh, and Happy Father's Day, dudes!

2010-06-20T07:43:00.001-04:00

We went go-karting and mini-golfing Friday night, as part of a family fun event put on by Camp Quality. And it was lots of fun, and laughter, and all that good stuff. We even had hot dogs, chips and pop for dinner, which made the kids very happy. I wish I had brought my camera (when will I learn?) because there were some awesome moments to capture, like when Slut put on her go-karting helmet and

So apparently I am a drunken slob

2010-06-17T18:14:00.001-04:00

My very very good friend Slut and I are about to embark on yet another adventure. I KNOW! I can hardly believe it myself, which is actually really a stupid thing to say, when you think about it for more than a split second, because obviously I'm one of the people embarking on said adventure WITH Slut, so why the hell WOULDN'T I believe it?! Unless, of course, I'm either schizophrenic, or maybe

I'll take an 'H' for holes, please.

2010-06-15T12:09:00.000-04:00

With the coming of summer comes the appearance and importance of The Tan. Especially when you live in Canada, where summer weather is at an all-time premium. I'm sure you all do this at home, with your family and friends. As the warm weather progresses, you begin comparing tans. Of course you do. I was committed to winning The Tan Wars in our house this year. Every year, I seem to lose, even

Holy crap. Will wonders never cease? Or are we in for the shock of our lives?

2010-06-13T15:47:00.000-04:00

Oh, happy day! Because this means this: because ... The neighbours have left!! The neighbours have left!! Although Mr. Handsome has warned me that the new neighbours, who have not yet moved in, may be even worse than these guys, so I'm going to be smart for a change, keep my mouth shut, and silently pray to the gods above for a little luck this time. Meanwhile ... * Check out this post

More New York, coupled with a needy poodle, and kids who think Facebook is more important than studying for finals

2010-06-10T10:51:00.000-04:00

Bleccch. That about sums it up. It seems that studying biology 10 hours a day, in between driving Em to and from school, making dinner, and doing laundry is more than I can handle, especially when it's coupled with a migraine that just won't go away. Kind of like a spouse. Or a needy poodle. Same difference. This post should have been out yesterday, but I couldn't do it. I spent the morning

A post about absolutely nothing at all. Not even a picture.

2010-06-08T10:06:00.000-04:00

Today's post is about nothing, like a Seinfeld episode, but without the millions of dollars attached to it. Or the laughter. I have a headache that I've now had on and off for a week. I'm thinking brain tumour. It's probably just my sinuses, but I like living big. If that can be called living big. Does "living big" even mean anything? I have no idea. Moving on... Em has been in a leg cast for a

I win the award for worst blogger of the millennium, or at least of the day

2010-06-06T13:46:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad blogger. I don't comment on the comments, I don't visit other blogs, and I don't even update my own blog as often as I'd like. I'd like to take this amazing opportunity to apologize for all of the above. You guys mean more to me than just about anything, including that nice, really soft toilet paper that is kind to my butt, and really cold apple juice. It's just that I've been

You can thank me later.

2010-06-02T07:50:00.000-04:00

I once again saved my family from a most certain death on Monday, and I have my nose to thank. You see, I have an extremely keen sense of smell. Until Monday, I felt this talent -- nay, this gift from the gods above -- was just a joke, a funny little thing the gods do to people just because they can: giving various people in the world totally useless gifts. The gods have a not-so-funny sense of

New York City!!!!! Where Slut's Momma Touches A Man's Chestals

2010-05-31T08:38:00.000-04:00

So, because I promised last week to start telling you about my trip to New York City before I get really old and senile and lose all my teeth, I shall. I've already started forgetting stuff, which is really not good, seeing as I haven't even sent my best friend Slut and her sister or her momma any photos yet, which makes me a total douche. But whatever. We all knew that anyway. This trip was sort

Fiskars Sucks

2010-05-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

Still no reply from Fiskars, guys. I'm getting really angry now. Pulling out the big guns, as they say. Methinks they aren't taking me seriously, which is just ridiculous. So, I'm in the midst of putting together another email to Nikki at Fiskars Headquarters, and this time, I'm not mincing words. In the meantime: * Waiting for my garden boy, and almost having a heart attack when I see a

My Imagination Runneth Overtime

2010-05-27T07:21:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm still waiting for my response from the Fiskars people. They sure take their time. Or perhaps they're just having a difficult time finding a therapist who's willing to take me on as a patient. Either way, I've already got a list of chores for my naked sweaty, shirtless garden boy named Jorge. And a chilled mojito in the fridge for me. I come prepared. Speaking of which, my blood pressure

I don't give up easily. And maybe I'm a little insane.

2010-05-25T11:10:00.000-04:00

I got a response from Fiskars yesterday. Remember this? This is the message I sent them: Well, I got a message from them, and I'm afraid to say it's not very comforting, or socially responsible. Yeah. Thanks A LOT, Nikki. Not even an offer of lawn products, guys. Nothing. However, the fact that Nikki wanted me to let her know if there was anything else she could help me with made me think

Cap guns are actually pretty realistic

2010-05-23T10:55:00.001-04:00

The neighbours are sure to hate us now, if they didn't already. Dee has a cap gun and is now shooting up the neighbourhood. Awesome. I clearly win the Mother of the Year Award because I suggested he buy the cap gun in the first place. He hasn't been arrested yet, but one teenager walking by just looked at him, his face getting pale, and said, "Dude..." Like I said: Awesome. I took my time

Today's post is full of frustration. Enjoy!

2010-05-20T07:05:00.000-04:00

Life is so damn frustrating and utterly confusing, I don't even know what I'm talking about. Which is par for the course, actually. See? I told you. I tried sending my friend this photo of a framed elephant penis the other day, and it wouldn't work. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?! Even more frustrating than you can imagine. I must have spent three hours trying to email it to her,

It's About Damn Time. You're Right, And I'm Sorry. Now Do You Feel Better? Didn't Think So.

2010-05-18T07:41:00.000-04:00

Monday. Mondays are hard enough. Couple that with Monday after close to a month travelling from one end of the world to another, and I don't think I have to tell you how freaking confused I am. And I was pretty confused to begin with. So, I'm back. And it's time to once again face reality, drink the Kool-Aid, and go through the motions of my daily life. Which is difficult on the best of days, but

Guess Where I Was

2010-05-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

I think someone ought to warn the po po we're on our way

2010-05-05T09:19:00.000-04:00

For your viewing pleasure, here are a few more photos from my recent voyage to Switzerland and Venice. I'm busy gulping coffee in an effort to wake up enough to RE-PACK my bags since I'm leaving for New Yawk City Thursday morning. But first, I have to follow Gryphon around the house as he drops shit nuggets. The poor animal has such a sensitive digestive system, any stress (or food he's not used

Travelling is a dangerous thing to do, so I did it for you. You're welcome.

2010-05-03T14:24:00.001-04:00

So, we're back. And, although Mr. Handsome and I had a wonderful time in Geneva and Venice last week, I am now completely sure the world is out to get me. Check it out: Note the look on my face. Clearly, not pleased. And if that wasn't enough, I had to live with a ripped toenail for the entire week because I refused to bring nail clippers on our trip because they are just a huge hassle and take

If you're here, then I'm not

2010-04-27T06:55:00.006-04:00

If you're reading this, it means you are here, and I'm not. I must be in Switzerland by now, or if you're only coming here late on Wednesday or Thursday, I'm already in Venice, trying not to drown. I promise many delectable stories and photos on my return, but you'd better be quick, because a few days later, I'm leaving again for my trip to New York City with my fabulous Slut and her sister and

Mr. Handsome is out to get me, of this I am sure

2010-04-21T10:26:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back from my hospital appointment in Toronto. The end, and good night. Just kidding, guys. But I'm tired. Really tired. It's a long drive to Toronto, and I did that and back again in two days. That's a lot for a princess. Just sayin'. The appointment went very well. I have no answers yet, but they took gobs and gobs of blood, did so many x-rays that I now glow, and told me they'll be in

Excitement Abounds

2010-04-19T07:27:00.001-04:00

I'm on my way to Toronto today for a hospital appointment with a new rheumatologist who, I hope, can help me with my ever-painful and swelling joints. I've been waiting eight months for this appointment, so I hope it's worth it. Here's also hoping I don't get more than three speeding tickets. Just kidding, Mr. Handsome. Of course, I'll be driving all by myself with wonderfully painful menstrual

Epic Fail Ninja Stunts, And Why Volcanoes Suck

2010-04-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

It would be just my luck to have our European getaway cancelled because of some silly volcanic eruption and a bit of spewing ash. When does it end, people? The conspiracy widens. I mean, I've been growing my leg hairs out for the past two months (well, more) just so that I fit in with all the Europeans. And now we may not even be going. All that effort for nothing. Typical. Is it just me, or do

Uses for a zombie robot

2010-04-16T09:37:00.002-04:00

Remember her? I couldn't stop thinking of her. Here she is, sitting behind a counter at the provincial courthouse, giving people directions. All.Day.Long. Not that that's a bad job, because it's not. You get to meet people, help them, and sit. All at the same time. And she obviously loves her job, because like I said in Wednesday's post, she was extremely polite and helpful. I think she might be

I was a beautiful ninja, but only in my mind

2010-04-14T09:23:00.000-04:00

I was a ninja yesterday. I had to go down to City Hall to renew Dee's health insurance card, but instead of City Hall, I ended up going to the provincial courthouse, which could have been disastrous, seeing as they have courts of law there, and maybe even a jail cell or two. Instead, what happened was brilliant (say that last word with an English accent and with vigour).Because as I walked into

Anxiety Brings Out The Vennom In Me

2010-04-12T09:15:00.001-04:00

Today I was going to write about the stupid squirrel in our neighbourhood, but I'm agitated and annoyed, so I'd rather just bore you with complaints and whining about how I feel useless and worthless and how I have so much stuff to do before the end of this month that I think I might die from the stress of it all. But, as my friend Slut would say, I just need to relax. Remain positive. Breathe.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed

2010-04-11T07:42:00.001-04:00

I'm trying something new out here that may or may not kill me or you, or may instead help me conquer the world, which is totally my goal in writing this blog. Obviously. I am actually stealing this idea from a few places, so I'm not even pretending that it's my own original idea. Not only that, but this way, I also hold no responsibility for it if it ends up being a totally stupid idea worthy

WTF Science People??

2010-04-09T12:45:00.008-04:00

So, here I am, doing Grade 11 Biology because I was too stupid to take it in high school, and because it is a prerequisite for me getting into any kind of health sciences in college or university, I must have biology. And my question to the bigwigs is this: Is it seriously not enough that I continuously watch Mystery Diagnosis, 19 Kids And Counting, and the National Geographic channel? My biology

Drowning in Sexy

2010-04-07T05:48:00.006-04:00

I just discovered something about Mr. Handsome that I did not know, which is huge (and possibly dangerous), because we've been together now 23 years, and I was pretty sure I knew everything about him, including the location of that strangely-shaped mole just under ... oh, never mind. I found out that speaking a foreign language in his presence really turns him on. As does me wearing granny

WTF me?

2010-04-05T13:17:00.001-04:00

We had an international incident here the other night. It does not bode well for our country. Nay, our world. Well, at least for my well-being, and sometimes, guys, that's all that matters. It was late evening. The kids were fast asleep. All was quiet. I had taken out my contact lenses, washed my face, and was ready for bed. And then, I heard it: The unmistakable wailing sound of Mr. Handsome

Don't Tell Me To Shut Up Unless I'm Awake, Please And Thanks

2010-04-01T08:58:00.000-04:00

The strangest thing happened the other night. Okay, okay, get your filthy minds outta the gutter. I was asleep, having one of those weird dreams where nothing really makes sense, but in the dream, it all TOTALLY makes sense. Sort of like Alice in Wonderland. Or my marriage. I don't remember most of the dream, but suffice it to say that it had to do with the house in which I grew up, lots of

Paying It Forward

2010-03-30T11:34:00.003-04:00